Singing in the Shower
Sunday, February 28th, 2010 | Books on grief, Death of a loved one, Grieving, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a Spouse, The healing power of Faith in Christ | No Comments
It hit me the other morning as I coaxed the last tiny bit of conditioner out of the bottle in the shower: I was singing!
I used to sing in the shower all the time, years ago. I think it was always an unconscious, spontaneous reaction to joy deep in my heart. I would often find myself singing without even thinking about it.
But then when the hard times came more often and lasted longer, and my heart grew heavy, I couldn’t do it as often. The songs just died on my lips – if they ever got that far.
Then since Marty died, I don’t know that I’ve done it at all.
I never thought about it, though. It’s not like even once the thought crossed my mind, “You don’t sing in the shower anymore.” It was simply no longer part of my life.
But there I was this morning, singing, and I recognized it as a happy song from my youth, bubbling up from somewhere deep inside where it’s been hidden for a long time.
I was taken aback. I had thought I was healing well, months ago. Yet here was evidence that there had still been healing that needed to happen before my heart was free to invite those cheerful lyrics and winsome melodies back, and to let them spill forth without any conscious effort.
Is there more healing yet to come? Doubtless. Not only from the death of my spouse, and not only from the years of difficulty that preceded that event. I have yet to heal from random wounds that I’ve covered over, hoping they’ll be forgotten. I need to heal from wrongs I’ve done for which I cannot forgive myself.
I have found that healing comes best and most thoroughly when I draw near to the Great Healer, Christ, and ask for His help.
As I study His word, make changes in my life to be more in line with His principles, and try harder to follow His example, I feel His forgiveness and His acceptance of my weak offering. Each time I make even a little progress, my heart is lighter, I feel closer to Him, and I feel a deeper joy growing in my heart.
Wherever you are in your healing process, I invite you to join me in seeking Him, the one True Healer. I know doing so will bless your life.
And who knows, maybe one day you’ll find yourself …
singing in the shower!
To Your Healing,
Roslyn
(For ideas on accelerating your healing, see pages 37-117 in my book, SOLO – Getting It All Together When You Find Yourself Alone.)
Don’t Worry, Be Happy!
Saturday, February 27th, 2010 | Building Self-Confidence, Death of a loved one, Grieving, Healing after Loss, Help for Widows, Overcoming Disappointment, The Power of a Positive Outlook, The healing power of Faith in Christ, Unshaken Faith in Trials | 1 Comment
Headline: WORRY WORKS! SON ACHIEVES 4.0 GPA, THANKS TO MOTHER’S WORRYING
After three years of constant despair, fretting and worrying, Mrs. Susan Smith reported that her worry paid off: her son graduated last week from junior high with a perfect record.
Right.
It’s a story we’ll never see. As a matter of fact, evidence all points to the exact opposite result. Worrying about something bad that could happen has never been linked with the accomplishment of what we want to happen.
Researchers tell of the “self-fulfilling prophecy” effect that often brings to pass the very thing we worry about. Dennis Waitley, Zig Ziglar, Leslie Householder and numerous other prominent motivational speakers and authors have each promoted the idea that we should, instead of worrying about something we fear might happen, keep at the forefront of our mind that which we want to happen. We would do better to constantly think about the outcome we hope for, and feel the joy we’ll feel when it is accomplished.
Just picture yourself when you are worrying: the crease in the forehead; the downcast demeanor; the knot in the stomach; the despair. Not a pretty picture.
As a widow, I find frequent ‘opportunities’ to worry. How am I supposed to sufficiently support this family? How will my sons do without a father when they need those man-to-man talks? How will my daughters fare when they crave the safe feeling of their dad’s arms around their shoulders, and there’s no father to provide that? Who will they turn to? Will it be someone I can trust?
I have found, however, that following the suggestion of the title to a popular song is a better course: “Don’t Worry; Be Happy!”
What good does it do to worry? It darkens my outlook, saddens the whole household, and, perhaps most damaging, blinds me to the blessings that are abundant in my life and to opportunities that may be right next to me.
Be happy? I am reminded of Paul, standing before the Pharisees and the Sadducees, having been persecuted, arrested, and bound. He speaks the truth, and Ananias orders “them that stood by him to smite him on the mouth.” Forty men are conspiring to “neither eat nor drink till they had killed Paul” – and that night the Lord appears to him and says, “Be of good cheer, Paul . . .”*
Paul is in bondage, being falsely accused, abused and in pain, and still has more difficulty ahead to face, and the Lord tells him to be of good cheer.
What reason does he have to be of cheer? In John chapter 16, the Lord tells His followers, “In the world ye shall have tribulation; but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”**
I believe He is telling us the same thing. I believe we can be of good cheer, in whatever circumstances we find ourselves, if we look to Him. He offers us comfort, strength, and courage. His life is the greatest example of looking beyond the difficulties of the moment to that which is truly important and eternal.
When I feel alone; when I can’t see the answers I am so desperately seeking; when I am deeply concerned about a child, or when my sorrow is nearly overwhelming – I can be of good cheer and know that as I do my best, in His time and in His way, things will work out. He is with me.
He is there for you, too.
Don’t worry, Be Happy!
In good cheer,
Roslyn
*Acts 23:11
** John 16:33
In the Hands of God
Tuesday, February 16th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Grieving, Healing after Loss, Help for Widows, Sudden loss, The healing power of Faith in Christ, Unshaken Faith in Trials | No Comments
Not all losses occur in the same manner. Some women become widows suddenly, because their husband suffers a heart attack or is involved in a tragic accident. Some women go through long, agonizing months or even years knowing that a cruel illness is taking their husband away, bit by bit.
Some women are abandoned by a spouse who no longer values the vows taken years before, and still others have had to seek escape from a marriage that has become life-threatening.
No matter the cause, there was always that moment when the realization hit – things are not going the way I had planned, and they are not in my control. We sometimes approach life thinking that our plans and hopes and dreams create the path we will tread. And although it is good to make plans, and to have hope and to dream dreams, life has a way of reminding us that we live in an imperfect world. There will be unexpected, unplanned events that will change the course of our life, and that serve as a reminder that often, life hangs by a thread, and we are completely at the mercy of a loving Father.
Just such an event occurred in my life Tuesday morning. My son-in-law called to tell me that my daughter had gone into labor two months early, and had just given birth to a tiny, three-pound, fourteen-ounce baby girl.
I changed all my plans for the week and made the long drive to the neighboring state where she and her husband attend the university. As I hurried into the hospital I tried to prepare myself for what I might see, but when my son-in-law guided me into the Newborn Intensive Care Unit, it took my breath away to see how small she really was.
She was laid on a slanted warming table, with monitors taped to her chest and stomach, a hood attached to her head that held two oxygen tubes in place over her nose, a tube in her mouth, another monitor attached to one foot, and an IV in her hand.
My daughter was standing at the side of the table, gently stroking the little bit of soft dark hair that was exposed through the hood. We embraced, and as I looked into her weary eyes and saw signs of the trauma and shock she had been through, I perceived that same thought: ‘”Things are not going the way I had planned, and they are not in my control.”
That little life is in the hands of God, and every moment she lives is a miracle. We are so grateful for the technology that is helping her to overcome the huge disadvantages of not being able to develop fully in the womb. But this afternoon as I walked the hospital halls, my mind full of the many difficulties she faces, I realized that there are probably many times when our own lives are in a dangerous place, and we may not even be aware of it.
One mis-step; one turn in the wrong direction, one random act of a complete stranger, or one natural disaster and our lives could be drastically changed or even ended.
We truly are in the hands of God. Though life takes unexpected turns, and though we feel totally out of control, we need to ask ourselves, whose hands would we rather be in? I believe we are learning the lesson of trust on this mortal journey, and I seem to be a slow learner. But each time I am in a frightening situation and I remember Who is really in charge, I can find peace as I submit to His will and change my plans to more closely follow His.
As John Nicholson said, “We must the onward path pursue – as wider fields expand to view, and follow Him unceasingly, Whate’er our lot or sphere may be. *
With you, in the hands of God,
Roslyn
*Come Follow Me, p.116 Hymns
Sacred Ground
Friday, February 5th, 2010 | Dating after loss, Death of a loved one, Grieving, Healing after Loss, Help for Widows, Moving On | No Comments
I believe that after we leave this earthly sphere, we go on to another sphere of existence, where we may have the ability to see and be involved in (in limited ways) what is happening with our loved ones still on earth.
As we stood around my husband’s casket, the funeral director told my children, “You still have a father. He’s just in another place, but he will have the ability to see you, and be involved in your life when you need him to be. Know that he wants your greatest success, and he will do all he can to help you. Remember he is there.”
I spent frequent time recently with a widower. He is another traveler on this often-rocky road of unwelcomed solitude. I enjoyed his company, and I appreciated the opportunity to talk, one-to-one, to another adult about life and family in an enjoyable social setting.
I enjoyed conversing with a man again in a way different from the reserved way I interact with the other men in my life right now. I felt I could be a little more open, and the more frequently we went out, I felt I could be a little less aloof and freer with my words, actions, and emotions.
However, as I sat near him, and as we talked and went places together, I often felt I needed to exercise caution; that I was on sacred ground, where perhaps I didn’t belong. Although it had been years since he lost his wife to cancer, he still had great love for her, and admitted that it was hard for him to be out with another woman.
I sometimes wonder how much our partners who have passed on know and care about how we are carrying on with our lives. I’ve heard some widows and widowers who have remarried say that they felt their deceased spouse led them to their new spouse, and that they would be happy that they have once again found someone to share life’s burdens, joys, and sorrows.
However, I’ve also heard that there can be, in the human heart, places too sacred to be entered by more than one person. I have read that once a person has loved deeply, and then lost that love, their heart can never be free to really love another.
Perhaps that is what I felt when I walked next to my friend, and perhaps that is why eventually we stopped seeing each other.
I had been walking on sacred ground, and, as it turns out, I had been trespassing.
Abel Keogh in his book Room for Two found that, at least for him, there eventually came a time after his first wife died when his heart finally opened to the thought of loving again. He was able to move on and feel comfortable in a new relationship and build a new life with a new wife.
I don’t know how common that is. When I have been with widowers, I have felt an underlying, unwavering devotion to their first spouse – and, although it keeps me from entering their heart, I see it as a beautiful, tender thing. I don’t know that I would want it any other way.
All I know is this:
Walking on sacred ground can sometimes burn your feet.
I’ve determined to tread softly.
Without Even Thinking…
Monday, February 1st, 2010 | Grieving, Healing after Loss, Help for Widows, Systems, Womanly Arts | No Comments
Last night my daughter was ill during the night. I was up with her for a while, and after she had finally fallen back to sleep, I dropped back into bed myself. As I was drifting off to sleep I thought, “It’s Monday – supposed to change the sheets today – I’ll be so tired in the morning, I’ll just let it wait until Tuesday. Then I can sleep for a few more minutes before I have to get up.” It seemed like a great idea, and I smiled as I snuggled back into the warm blankets for a few more hours of sleep.
This morning when I finally crawled out of bed, I found myself, without even thinking, automatically stripping off the sheets. I marveled that even though I’d consciously decided not to do it, habit was taking over, and within a few minutes the task was done.
I discovered the beauty of systems in the early months after my husband’s death. Most days I just wanted to sleep – but nothing went well the days I gave in to that desire. I knew the children needed me up and functioning, and I knew if I just got the basics covered, the vital things would be taken care of, and life would be better for all of us.
So over time I searched for and adopted systems to cover those tasks – meals, basic housekeeping, laundry, and finances, to start with, and as I learned to be consistent with them, I found that those systems began to function without my having to focus on them. Once they became habit, it was hard not to do them!
As you’re moving through the grief process, if you find things in your home and life collapsing all around you, try implementing some systems. One by one, things will begin to fall into place, peace will reign again, and it will all happen….
without even thinking!
Yours for healing,
Roslyn
Ease the Pain
Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 | Building Self-Confidence, Grieving, Healing after Loss, Help for Widows, The Power of a Positive Outlook, Unshaken Faith in Trials | No Comments
Ease the Pain
Have you felt it – the aching in your chest that seems to pull at every heart-string, and the thoughts of inadequacy that come flooding into your mind, and, though you shake your head, you can’t shake them? Do memories of tragedy and sorrow fill your mind unbidden?
I felt it tonight. I have been trying to hard to keep a positive attitude, to believe in miracles, and to have faith that, even though I can’t see it now, God has a plan full of success and joy for me. I have written affirmations and hopeful, positive goal statements and I repeat them frequently.
But sometimes those negative thoughts are persistent, and the pain settles in.
What then?
As I felt it happening this evening, I was walking past my CD player. I reached down and pushed the “Play” button, and soon I heard the strains of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing, “For the Beauty of the Earth.”
I knew it would work. Something about beautiful music, paired with inspired words, can drive out the darkness and bring back my hope.
“For the beauty of each hour
Of the day and of the night,
Hill and vale and tree and flower,
Sun and moon and stars of light.
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our joyful hymn of praise.”
Leslie Householder, author of the books The Jack Rabbit Factor and Portal to Genius says that when we reach our low points, the very best attitude to adopt is one of gratitude. Nothing invites inspiration and goodness, hope and success into our lives like gratitude.
That song always fills me with gratitude – and tonight, by the time the singing was finished, the pain had lessened. My mind was filled with images of the beauties of creation, and I realized, once again, that no matter what problems are threatening my peace, I do have much to be grateful for.
I silently gave thanks to my Creator for the beauties He surrounds us with, for dear friends and family, and for all things that testify of His great love for us. I know He is aware of me and sends help for my challenges – and, truly, I see evidence of His love in so many ways every day. I was humbled – and felt to repent of my short-sightedness. He is there. He will provide the way. I need only believe.
“For each perfect gift of Thine
To our race so freely given,
Graces human and divine,
Flowers of earth and buds of heav’n,
Lord of all, to Thee we raise
This our joyful hymn of praise.”
Go Take a Walk!
Saturday, January 16th, 2010 | Grieving, Healing after Loss, Health and Grieving, The Power of a Positive Outlook | No Comments
I was visiting with a prominent family counselor in our area the other day, and when the subject of discouragement and depression came up, he said,
“You know, my friend is a medical doctor. He sees an inordinate number of women who come asking to be treated for depression. He recommends exercise – which is his preferred prescription; but most often the women choose medication.”
“He said he felt that 80% of the medications he prescribes could be eliminated with regular exercise. There is just no good substitute for the emotional lift that exercise brings.”
Eighty percent! Does that shock you the way it did me?
That number was incredible to me. I studied anti-depressants one semester years ago, and became very wary of them. I know several people dealing with the difficult side effects of various anti-depressants. I am aware of the financial burden those medications create. When I dealt with depression several years ago those considerations caused me to seek out alternatives, and my findings concurred with the medical doctor’s advice – exercise is vitally important to driving out the blues.
I am a hopeless romantic. I love the lifestyle depicted in the Jane Austen books: living in cottages or mansions out in the country; reading, visiting, and performing music for one another for entertainment; and the daily “constitutional.” That long walk was taken consistently, in winter as well as in summer, and I believe that type of habit is needed no less in our lives – probably more due to the extra stresses we face.
Exercise helps the body create endorphins, those mood-lifting hormones, and the more often we exercise the better we can feel. Personally, I want that effect daily!
Next time you have a blue day – or several in a row, try exercise. My favorite combination is exercise while listening to the scriptures, a motivational speaker, or beautiful music. Those two activities together are sure to lift my spirits, and invigorate me for whatever lies ahead for me that day.
80%? My head is still reeling. I pray more of us women will listen to that doctor – and go take a walk!
Make Your List!
Friday, January 8th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Friends, Healing after Loss, The Power of a Positive Outlook | No Comments
The other night my sister, her husband and two youngest children joined us for a Family Night activity. At the end of the evening, her husband asked me, “Is there anything I can do to help you? Are there any projects you need help with?”
It’s always been hard for me to accept help. I love being independent, and I hate to feel like I am imposing on others to take care of me.
But, in the last four years since my husband died, I have learned that, simply put, I am not independent! I can’t do it all. That has been a hard lesson to learn. To survive, I need to accept others’ offers for help.
I have come to appreciate offers to help, because the number of things needing attention only grows larger with each month. Each time I walk past an un-done task, I am reminded of my inability to do everything and it can lead to discouragement. An offer to complete that task is literally a load off my mind.
So when my brother-in-law asked that question, I was ashamed to realize that I haven’t taken my own advice: I tell those who are now alone to keep a running list of things in their home that are broken, wearing out, or in need of repair. Not only does it help us remember when we are out running errands if there are things we need to purchase to make the repair, but there may come a time, like last night, when someone has a few extra minutes and offers to help complete one of those repairs.
If you let them help, don’t think you receive the only benefit – it blesses them, too.
People want to help. They feel good when they have made a difference for good in someone’s life. If we never let others do something for us, we deny them that blessing.
The counsel “it is more blessed to give than receive” presupposes someone has to receive! Perhaps now is our time to fill that role. Think also of the times we are counseled to “receive with meekness”, and to “receive with thanksgiving”.
I have to keep reminding myself of that. My independent spirit wants to say, “Oh, no, I’m fine – thanks anyway.” But it is a lie. I need other people. I need help!
It took awhile to think of them, but I finally came up with two projects. He completed one last night, and the other one is scheduled. But I’ve learned my lesson. I now have a running list in my daily planner of needed repairs and projects. Next time I’ll be ready!
That day may come for you, too – so, pull out a pencil, grab your planner – and make your list!
Clean Up Your Messes!
Tuesday, January 5th, 2010 | Building Self-Confidence, Goals, Healing after Loss, Principles of Wealth, The Power of a Positive Outlook, You can make a difference! | No Comments
January is all about fresh starts and new beginnings. Our family traditionally meets in the living room on the first Monday of the year to set goals together and to discuss what we would like to see happen in the upcoming months. Tonight was that night, and my sister’s family joined us for the event.
I shared how I had recently read Aaron Raymond’s book Double Your Income Doing What You Love, where he gives some suggestions for setting goals for improvement. In our goal-setting session tonight, we discussed four of them, one of which I will address here:
Choose to clean up one mess each month.
Aaron says, “Each mess is a lock on the gate that keeps abundance out.” I found that fascinating – and then I read the following paragraph:
“Messes rob you of vitality. Messes teach you that you cannot handle tasks . . . Messes make you cringe. Messes make you apologize to others. Messes diminish you. Messes do not merely belittle you; they actually have a major impact on your financial well-being.”
I believe he is right. Right now if I think about several areas of my home, I do cringe, because there are messes calling out to me, waiting to be addressed.
Aaron suggests considering messes in the following areas:
Your car; your clothes closet; your desktop; your files; your desk drawers; your garage; your basement; your tools; your taxes; your paperwork; your computer; your last will and testament, even your key chain!
I would add: your kitchen drawers; your cupboards; your laundry room; your fruit room; your storage closets and hidden areas. That room or closet that, when you’re not sure where to put something, you open the door, throw it in, and slam the door closed. (Yes, I really did used to have a room like that!)
He says, “The more messes, the more locks on the gate that keep abundance out.” But then he promises: “Every mess you eliminate, no matter how small, brings relief of enormous proportions.”
I want that relief! I am going to follow his suggestion, and every month this year I am going to tackle one of my messes.
In the Bible, Job talks of a “land of darkness . . . without any order . . .” I feel that darkness when I consider the messes in my life. 1 Corinthians 14:40 counsels us, “Let all things be done decently and in order.”
I feel so much better when things are “done decently and in order.” I just haven’t made it a priority – until now. One mess a month – I can do that! And just think how much more light - and abundance – will come into my life!
Join me – we can do it together. Invite abundance; reject darkness: Go clean up a mess!
A New Year!
Friday, January 1st, 2010 | Building Self-Confidence, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss, Overcoming Disappointment, The Power of a Positive Outlook, The healing power of Faith in Christ | No Comments
New beginnings.
Fresh starts.
Anticipation.
Hope!
I love the New Year.
New beginnings are vital to me. Even each new morning gives me hope because the day is yet unstained by discouragement or weariness. In the morning, I feel almost anything is possible! As our family kneels each morning in prayer, one thought often expressed is, “ . . . we are thankful for another day to live.” And truly, we are grateful for the chance to try again to be what we hope to be, and to do what we hope to do.
By the end of the day, the reality of what I didn’t accomplish can make me feel discouraged and overwhelmed if I allow it to. By the end of each year, when I evaluate what I have done and compare it with what I hoped to accomplish, it can make my heart lose hope.
But the New Year is full of hope. It reminds me that life keeps going, and I can too. It is another chance to learn, to grow, to find peace and to give love. It is a time to dream big, to think about possibilities and to believe in miracles.
So now, on January 1, 2010, what do I feel today?
Confidence that God is aware of my plight, and is watching over me, and will provide the way.
Assurance that if I keep doing my best, dedicating each day and each task to Him, He will continue to carry me, just as he has before. I will not be alone as I move through this New Year.
I love the book of John in the Bible. Christ’s words fill its pages, and today as I contemplate this upcoming year, I find great hope in verse 18:
“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.”
May you have that same assurance. As you ponder the things you would like to do, and as you dare to hope and dream, remember Matthew 19:26: “ . . . with God all things are possible.”
Read Mark 9:23: “ . . . all things are possible to him that believeth.”
“All things . . .” Aren’t those beautiful words? We just have to believe.
It is a day of new beginnings, fresh starts, and anticipation. Our Redeemer stands ready to help us heal and help us to reach for our dreams.
May you feel Him near, and may His nearness bring you everlasting Hope.
To the future!
-Roslyn
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