Archive for May, 2010
Grieving on Memorial Day
Friday, May 28th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Friends, Grieving, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a Spouse, Losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Loss of a loved one, Personal Care while Grieving, Service, The Healing Power of Service, Uncategorized | No Comments
Memorial Day Weekend. When we hear those words, we often think of a time to honor those who have given their lives in the service of our country. Those words also often conjure up images of picnics, campouts, gatherings with friends, and lots of food and fun.
Other pictures comes to mind, however: a woman, weeping as she kneels with a handful of flowers at the fresh grave of her husband; a man at the cemetery, standing by the marker bearing his wife’s name and wondering how he can go on. To these people, Memorial Day has a very different meaning.
This Memorial Day, are you (or is someone you know) grieving the loss of a loved one who is no longer with you? Are you still at the stage of grief where your emotions are unpredictable, you live with a perpetual ache in your heart, and you never know when the tears will suddenly surface again?
Memorial Day can be a hard day for those who’ve experienced loss. But there are things you can do to help make it through this weekend – and that will help you move on with life. Here are five tips to begin with:
First, grieve. Grieving is painful, unpredictable, and it can be a long process. No wonder people want to avoid it. However, grieving is part of the healing process, and if we refuse to work through our grief, we will never heal completely.
Allow yourself to grieve. Find a place where you can let the tears flow and the racking sobs descend. You will find that as you do, there is a cleansing and a renewal that takes their place.
Author Deanna Edwards tells of the young child who said about grief, “Tears are what God gave us to let the hurt out.” Admit that the void in your life hurts, and that it’s okay to hurt. As a wise man once said there would be something wrong if we didn’t hurt when a loved one dies. Take the time to grieve, and eventually, if you embrace the grieving process, it will bring renewal and peace.
Second, reach out and find a friend. Find someone you can talk to, who understands what you’re going through, and talk. Share your sorrows; share what helps you each get through hard times, and you’ll both come away stronger. Sometimes the very best gift we can be given when we are mourning is a listening ear, and understanding without judgment.
Third, write! Take out a pen and paper, find a quiet spot where you can be uninterrupted, and remember. Record the good things that came from your relationship with that loved one. Write what you appreciated about them. Write about some of your favorite memories with them. One day these memories will not be so fresh, and you will be grateful that you took the time now to create something you can look back on and find joy in remembering.
Fourth, get moving! When we are grieving, often the most appealing activity is no activity at all. It is so tempting to crawl into bed, pull the covers over one’s head, and retreat. But grieving is not just emotional work. It involves the whole body, and exercise helps move the process along more quickly. Walk, run, garden, get out the yoga CD and follow along – just do something to move your body and get the endorphins flowing. Movement will help banish the blues and help you to look at life from a much more positive perspective.
Finally, serve someone in memory of your loved one. Even if it is a very small thing, find something you can do for someone else to lift their burden. The old adage “It is better to give than to receive” is true – and how better to honor the memory of the one you loved than to do a kind deed in their memory. Einstein said, “The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and learned how to give.” Many people have found that looking outside their own troubles, if only for a few minutes, and finding a way to give to someone else, truly has brought them comfort and happiness.
Make this Memorial Day memorable, by grieving when you need to; finding a friend to confide in; writing about your loved one; moving; and serving. As you do, you will find you make cherished memories yourself, and you will be further along on the path to healing, wholeness, and peace.
In Loving Memory . . .
Wednesday, May 26th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Grieving, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a Spouse, Losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Loss of a loved one, Service, The Healing Power of Service, Unshaken Faith in Trials | No Comments
What will Memorial Day be like for you this year?
I know it will be very tender for me. Mom’s funeral was just last week, and I am still in that cocoon of early grief that I am not ready to emerge from. I find that it surrounds me with sweet memories, allows me frequent tears, and insulates me from feeling guilt for not being fully engaged in ‘regular life’ just yet.
I have heard people say this weekend is a depressing one for them. Too many memories, too many reminders that their loved one is no longer at their side. I can understand.
However, I have an invitation to extend. To bring a sweet moment to your weekend, rather than allowing your mourning to take over for the entire weekend, choose a time to find one way to honor your loved one.
It is one way for their influence to live on. If, because of our loved one, we are out in the world doing good in their memory, the world is still a better place because they lived.
Paul, instructing the saints in Galatia how to find their greatest happiness and peace offered the following counsel: “…by love serve one another.” We can do the same. Make a difference for someone else – create a bright spot in someone’s day; place a call to someone you know needs a lift; contact a humanitarian center and volunteer a couple of hours; deliver a handful of flowers to someone who is down. Your service can be done anonymously, or out in the open – you choose.
And do it in loving memory of your loved one.
Yes, they are gone – but we are still here, and I believe that we each have something good to give to the world. No matter how small our offering may seem, we need to give it – for the world’s sake, and for our own.
I think I’ve decided what I’m going to do. I am getting excited thinking that those who’ve gone beyond this life may be able to look down and smile that we are remembering them this way.
I know I’m going to look heavenward and whisper,
“This one’s for you!”
In loving memory,
Roslyn
P.S. Once you’ve completed your service, I invite you to my facebook page (search “SOLO – Getting It All Together”) to post what you did – remember you can do it anonymously if you wish – and let’s share what good was brought into the world in memory of those we are remembering!
“That’s what you hang onto . . .”
Monday, May 17th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Friends, Grieving, Healing after Loss, Losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Loss of a loved one, Service, Unshaken Faith in Trials | No Comments
Thursday was Mom’s funeral. What sweet memories have flooded my mind since that hour! At the viewing beforehand, people coming through the line told us of many ways Mom had influenced them for good, and of their love and respect for her. At the service, each of my siblings and I were able to take part in some way, and as each brother or sister spoke or sang or played I felt a wave of gratitude to be Mom’s daughter, and their sister, and that I am part of this loving family.
Each talk focused on the different ways Mom’s life blessed and lifted others, and how her example can help each of us make a difference for those around us. The thought came repeatedly to mind that we have no idea how much time we each have on this earth, and how fleeting time can be, and that if we are to be like Mom, we need to be focused on doing whatever good we can in the time that we have.
I remembered a poem I learned in my youth:
Do all the good you can
By all the means you can
In all the ways you can
For all the people you can
In whatever place you can.
Mom did. Wherever she went, she left a trail of goodness.
As the crowd left the flower-bedecked graveside, I stood next to my Uncle Wayne. My emotions were close to the surface, and I found it hard to speak. He noticed and said, “You know, you’ll find that one day, the pain leaves – and the beautiful memories come flooding in – and that’s what you hang onto.”
He is right. I didn’t even have to wait until the pain left. In spite of the ache in my heart, beautiful memories are flooding into my mind – and I am cherishing them.
Thanks for the memories, Mom. Thanks for a great life, well-lived. Thanks for raising me with the knowledge that this life isn’t the end, and that I will see you again. That future meeting will be an added incentive to live like you did, so I can be with you once more.
I love you Mom. You’ll ever be close to my thoughts.
Hanging on to the memories,
Roslyn
She is Gone
Friday, May 7th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Grieving, Losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Loss of a loved one, The Power of a Positive Outlook | No Comments
I walked downstairs tonight, and turned the corner to the room where Mom’s hospital bed used to be, and when I saw the empty space in the middle of the room, my heart felt like lead.
I guess it might be that way for a while until I get used to the fact that she isn’t here, and won’t be, ever again.
It was just three weeks ago that the doctors at the hospital sent her home for hospice care, and we knew our time with her would be brief. We had them put the bed in a large room where there would be room for friends and family to come see her and gather at her bedside – and they did. Cousins, children, grandchildren, and friends all came to see Mom, to tell her of the love they had for her, and of her great influence on their lives, and to wish her well.
Early in the days of her care here, a friend told me that there would be angels coming and going as her time in this mortal sphere was ending. I felt them. There was a sweet spirit about her and in our home during her stay here.
Early on, she was still able to communicate just a bit. She let me know she wanted to help me – and that she didn’t want to be a burden. I think of sweet things she did or said, hoping to help lighten the load she perceived I was carrying, and it reminded me of the things she had done her whole life long – always doing something to help someone else, never thinking of herself.
I think of times I would walk into the room to see if she wanted water, or food, or needed other care, and the sweet smile that lit up her face when she recognized me.
I think of the times a family member would call on the phone, and I’d hold the phone up to her ear, and watch as the things they said brought an attempt at a word, or a sigh, or a smile.
Then, as the days went on, that smile came less and less frequently, and the recognition faded, and the responses were limited to an occasional faint squeeze of a hand, or the slight lifting of an eyebrow.
The last day, it pained me to watch her breathing. I gave her the medication that was supposed to make it easier for her, but it was never easy to watch the irregular rise and fall of her chest. Then, I stepped out of the room for a few minutes, and when I returned, she had taken her last breath, and was gone.
Although there were challenges – difficult ones – in caring for Mom, I will always be grateful for those days that I had the chance to serve her. I was not perfect at it. I wish I had done better. But I learned lessons I could not have learned any other way – and I was convinced more than ever before that Mom was a beautiful soul, and that I want to do whatever it takes to arrive at the same place she is when my turn to leave this sphere comes.
Thank you, Mom. I love you. I’ll miss you.
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