Friends
Grieving on Memorial Day
Friday, May 28th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Friends, Grieving, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a Spouse, Losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Loss of a loved one, Personal Care while Grieving, Service, The Healing Power of Service, Uncategorized | No Comments
Memorial Day Weekend. When we hear those words, we often think of a time to honor those who have given their lives in the service of our country. Those words also often conjure up images of picnics, campouts, gatherings with friends, and lots of food and fun.
Other pictures comes to mind, however: a woman, weeping as she kneels with a handful of flowers at the fresh grave of her husband; a man at the cemetery, standing by the marker bearing his wife’s name and wondering how he can go on. To these people, Memorial Day has a very different meaning.
This Memorial Day, are you (or is someone you know) grieving the loss of a loved one who is no longer with you? Are you still at the stage of grief where your emotions are unpredictable, you live with a perpetual ache in your heart, and you never know when the tears will suddenly surface again?
Memorial Day can be a hard day for those who’ve experienced loss. But there are things you can do to help make it through this weekend – and that will help you move on with life. Here are five tips to begin with:
First, grieve. Grieving is painful, unpredictable, and it can be a long process. No wonder people want to avoid it. However, grieving is part of the healing process, and if we refuse to work through our grief, we will never heal completely.
Allow yourself to grieve. Find a place where you can let the tears flow and the racking sobs descend. You will find that as you do, there is a cleansing and a renewal that takes their place.
Author Deanna Edwards tells of the young child who said about grief, “Tears are what God gave us to let the hurt out.” Admit that the void in your life hurts, and that it’s okay to hurt. As a wise man once said there would be something wrong if we didn’t hurt when a loved one dies. Take the time to grieve, and eventually, if you embrace the grieving process, it will bring renewal and peace.
Second, reach out and find a friend. Find someone you can talk to, who understands what you’re going through, and talk. Share your sorrows; share what helps you each get through hard times, and you’ll both come away stronger. Sometimes the very best gift we can be given when we are mourning is a listening ear, and understanding without judgment.
Third, write! Take out a pen and paper, find a quiet spot where you can be uninterrupted, and remember. Record the good things that came from your relationship with that loved one. Write what you appreciated about them. Write about some of your favorite memories with them. One day these memories will not be so fresh, and you will be grateful that you took the time now to create something you can look back on and find joy in remembering.
Fourth, get moving! When we are grieving, often the most appealing activity is no activity at all. It is so tempting to crawl into bed, pull the covers over one’s head, and retreat. But grieving is not just emotional work. It involves the whole body, and exercise helps move the process along more quickly. Walk, run, garden, get out the yoga CD and follow along – just do something to move your body and get the endorphins flowing. Movement will help banish the blues and help you to look at life from a much more positive perspective.
Finally, serve someone in memory of your loved one. Even if it is a very small thing, find something you can do for someone else to lift their burden. The old adage “It is better to give than to receive” is true – and how better to honor the memory of the one you loved than to do a kind deed in their memory. Einstein said, “The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and learned how to give.” Many people have found that looking outside their own troubles, if only for a few minutes, and finding a way to give to someone else, truly has brought them comfort and happiness.
Make this Memorial Day memorable, by grieving when you need to; finding a friend to confide in; writing about your loved one; moving; and serving. As you do, you will find you make cherished memories yourself, and you will be further along on the path to healing, wholeness, and peace.
“That’s what you hang onto . . .”
Monday, May 17th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Friends, Grieving, Healing after Loss, Losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Loss of a loved one, Service, Unshaken Faith in Trials | No Comments
Thursday was Mom’s funeral. What sweet memories have flooded my mind since that hour! At the viewing beforehand, people coming through the line told us of many ways Mom had influenced them for good, and of their love and respect for her. At the service, each of my siblings and I were able to take part in some way, and as each brother or sister spoke or sang or played I felt a wave of gratitude to be Mom’s daughter, and their sister, and that I am part of this loving family.
Each talk focused on the different ways Mom’s life blessed and lifted others, and how her example can help each of us make a difference for those around us. The thought came repeatedly to mind that we have no idea how much time we each have on this earth, and how fleeting time can be, and that if we are to be like Mom, we need to be focused on doing whatever good we can in the time that we have.
I remembered a poem I learned in my youth:
Do all the good you can
By all the means you can
In all the ways you can
For all the people you can
In whatever place you can.
Mom did. Wherever she went, she left a trail of goodness.
As the crowd left the flower-bedecked graveside, I stood next to my Uncle Wayne. My emotions were close to the surface, and I found it hard to speak. He noticed and said, “You know, you’ll find that one day, the pain leaves – and the beautiful memories come flooding in – and that’s what you hang onto.”
He is right. I didn’t even have to wait until the pain left. In spite of the ache in my heart, beautiful memories are flooding into my mind – and I am cherishing them.
Thanks for the memories, Mom. Thanks for a great life, well-lived. Thanks for raising me with the knowledge that this life isn’t the end, and that I will see you again. That future meeting will be an added incentive to live like you did, so I can be with you once more.
I love you Mom. You’ll ever be close to my thoughts.
Hanging on to the memories,
Roslyn
A String of Beads
Wednesday, March 24th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Friends, Grieving, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a Spouse, Personal Care while Grieving, Service, The Healing Power of Service | No Comments
I saw it as I passed the piano—the string of white beads she had borrowed to wear to church yesterday, and my heart ached.
I just drove her to the airport an hour ago to catch her plane back to Washington, DC, and now there is a tangible absence in our home.
It seems like ever since Marty died, the children and I are a little more tender about absence from each other. We crave togetherness, and we dislike separation.
Maybe it is because we have felt the pain of loss, and we want to cherish every moment together possible. Shakespeare’s Juliet says, “Parting is such sweet sorrow.” I have yet to find the sweetness there.
When those who live away from home come visit, their presence lights up our home, and gives us all something more to smile about.
When they leave, we feel like a light has gone out and our hearts are heavy. We have to start in on a project, put in some cheerful music, or, on difficult days, curl up in the chair with a warm blanket and retreat into a great book for awhile to lessen the hurt.
Today, I can tell I need to look outside myself, beyond the pain in my heart, and seek to do something that will brighten someone else’s day.
I’m going to get dressed, put on fresh makeup, and go visit someone. Maybe I’ll even wear those beads.
Hoping for your healing,
Roslyn
Make Your List!
Friday, January 8th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Friends, Healing after Loss, The Power of a Positive Outlook | No Comments
The other night my sister, her husband and two youngest children joined us for a Family Night activity. At the end of the evening, her husband asked me, “Is there anything I can do to help you? Are there any projects you need help with?”
It’s always been hard for me to accept help. I love being independent, and I hate to feel like I am imposing on others to take care of me.
But, in the last four years since my husband died, I have learned that, simply put, I am not independent! I can’t do it all. That has been a hard lesson to learn. To survive, I need to accept others’ offers for help.
I have come to appreciate offers to help, because the number of things needing attention only grows larger with each month. Each time I walk past an un-done task, I am reminded of my inability to do everything and it can lead to discouragement. An offer to complete that task is literally a load off my mind.
So when my brother-in-law asked that question, I was ashamed to realize that I haven’t taken my own advice: I tell those who are now alone to keep a running list of things in their home that are broken, wearing out, or in need of repair. Not only does it help us remember when we are out running errands if there are things we need to purchase to make the repair, but there may come a time, like last night, when someone has a few extra minutes and offers to help complete one of those repairs.
If you let them help, don’t think you receive the only benefit – it blesses them, too.
People want to help. They feel good when they have made a difference for good in someone’s life. If we never let others do something for us, we deny them that blessing.
The counsel “it is more blessed to give than receive” presupposes someone has to receive! Perhaps now is our time to fill that role. Think also of the times we are counseled to “receive with meekness”, and to “receive with thanksgiving”.
I have to keep reminding myself of that. My independent spirit wants to say, “Oh, no, I’m fine – thanks anyway.” But it is a lie. I need other people. I need help!
It took awhile to think of them, but I finally came up with two projects. He completed one last night, and the other one is scheduled. But I’ve learned my lesson. I now have a running list in my daily planner of needed repairs and projects. Next time I’ll be ready!
That day may come for you, too – so, pull out a pencil, grab your planner – and make your list!
Reach Out!
Tuesday, December 15th, 2009 | Friends, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss | No Comments
We are working our way through the holidays, finding ways to deal with our grief and still find some light in the Christmas season.
Today’s tip is to reach out. Find someone you can talk to, someone who understands what you’re going through, and visit with them. Talking to someone who has grieved before can be especially helpful, because they know what it’s like.
I remember once in my grief sharing something I was feeling with a young friend, and seeing a look of concern enter her eyes. I quickly thought back over what I had said, and realized, “she thinks I’m crazy!” What I had said would sound that way to someone who didn’t understand grief first-hand. I tried to back-peddle, and explain, but it came out clumsily. I knew she loved me and wanted to help, but it was difficult for her to relate.
Those who’ve walked this path can listen and be a sounding-board without judging or becoming overly concerned. Sometimes all we need is to be able to talk things out, and to be heard. As we speak, things sometimes iron themselves out.
Share what helps you each get through hard times, and you’ll both come away stronger.
I have found that finding someone to talk to can make all the difference. So, for today – reach out! You just might find the boost that will help you go through one more day with a greater degree of peace than you have found before. I pray that is the case!
-Roslyn
It’s Time!
Monday, November 2nd, 2009 | Building Self-Confidence, Friends | No Comments
I looked out the window at the bare branches that had, only days ago, been covered with brilliant-hued leaves. Now, those leaves covered the grass, and if left there, would become a heavy layer of muck to be raked up next Spring after our heavy Utah snows finally melt.
I felt it in my heart – it’s time! Time to pull on the sweatshirt, pull out the rakes, and pull the trash can up the driveway to the back yard to be filled with these piles of evidence of another great summer.
As I rake, I think of other areas in my life where it might be time to do a little cleaning up. I picture the piles of papers, music, and books that, if I only scheduled a little bit of time for regularly, could disappear.I remember the time one visiting daughter offered to give me just a half-hour, and of the progress we made on those piles.
I received an email this morning from Raymond Aaron, a financial guru, suggesting that if we have a job that overwhelms us to the point of not doing it, one solution is to invite someone else to help us.
I have found that to be a good idea. I frequently invite my children to come help me with big projects in the house or yard. (Granted, they are aware that if the ‘invitation’ is refused, there could be consequences!) I have in the past invited friends to come help with a quilt, or to join in a canning session when our garden’s harvest has been extra-abundant.
And since my husband died, I have been less reluctant to ask other women who are alone to come join me as I tackle a project that has me feeling overwhelmed. They know that the invitation is reciprocal, and that I am happy to join them for their tasks, too.
Laura Ingalls Wilder, in her Little House on the Prarie books, tells of neighbors gathering to help each other dig wells, build homes, and clear land. There was a sense of community and caring that grew out of sharing their need and their strength. In our culture we are more prone to either hire someone to help us, or to just not tackle the project. I believe we miss out when we don’t welcome the opportunity to help our neighbors and to ask for help when we need it.
So, if it’s time for something in your life that you’ve been putting off, and you can’t face it alone, call on a friend or relative. Two heads are better than one, and four hands more than double the effectiveness of two!
It’s time!
-Roslyn
Crow’s Feet
Thursday, October 15th, 2009 | Building Self-Confidence, Friends, Overcoming Disappointment, The Power of a Positive Outlook | No Comments
Crow’s Feet.
Could there be any less appealing name for what I see around my eyes in the mirror?
I first really noticed them yesterday as I was driving home. I’d been listening to the Showtime CD by the Tabernacle Choir, and when “Fill the World With Love” came on, I was overcome with emotion, and I wept. As I brushed away the tears, I glanced up at the mirror attached to the visor. I had bumped it that morning as I pushed the garage door opener, so it was hung at an odd angle. All I saw was the corner of my eye.
There they were – not just one or two, but ever so many lines, curving out from the corner of my eye. I adjusted the mirror and looked at both eyes at the same time, and sure enough, the lines had taken up permanent residence equally, evening out the effect.
Through my mind flew images from all the ads that come to my mailbox and which I see displayed on billboards lining the freeway: beautiful young women with flawless skin, next to the name of a treatment or potion that seem to promise it could make me look like she does.
I’ve seen the before and after photos of women near my age, having undergone various treatments, and how their ‘crows feet’ are diminished, and they do look younger.
I pondered, Where have the lines come from, anyway?
As I examined them, and then looked at the ones at the edges of my mouth that I found have become more pronounced, I realized most of them curve upward. That’s a good sign, I thought. At least they are a result of smiling!
I pondered all the things that had given me reason to smile over the past fifty or so years. The beauties of nature; the sweet fellowship of great friends; exquisite music; young love; holding newborns; thrilling achievements; kindnesses offered by others, both from people I’ve known and others given anonymously; deeply spiritual experiences; and budding rapport with my children as we move from a mentor-mentee relationship to fellow travelers on the pathway of life.
Were there other causes for those wrinkles?
Yes, as I thought about it, it became clear that I have a habit of squinting to see things more clearly. I know – I need to break down and buy glasses – but there was a lesson here for me, also. As I seek to see things more clearly, and as I continue on a lifelong quest for clarity and truth, my life gets better. My happiness expands; my outlook improves, and I am able to see the blessings and miracles all around me that I had been missing before.
I suppose I could pay to have those lines removed. Others have, and their skin does look smoother, and more youthful.
But maybe, at least for now, I could use the reminders they bring me, that I have so many reasons to smile, and that the strain to seek further truth is worth the effort – yes, even worth the crows feet.
I’ll keep them for now.
But I am going to come up with a better name for them!
Still smiling,
Roslyn
Mrs. Dunwoody’s Excellent Instructions for Homekeeping
Wednesday, May 20th, 2009 | Building Self-Confidence, Friends, Healing after Loss, Service, The Healing Power of Service, Womanly Arts | 1 Comment
When I saw that title on my daughter’s bookshelf, I was instantly intrigued. I have always been drawn to books about homemaking, housekeeping, and creating beauty at home. Those with an old-fashioned bent are my favorites – I think in our fast-paced world “making a home” has lost some of the charm it once held in years past. I am reminded of that charm each time I visit the home of one of my aunts. Nearing her eightieth birthday, she still loves to practice the disappearing art of hospitality.
When I arrive at her door, she welcomes me with open arms, and invites me to sit on her couch. We visit; she wants to know all about what I’m doing, and to hear about each of the children, and then she invariably leads me into the kitchen where she has something delectable waiting to share with me. Lately, she sits and watches as I eat, instead of joining me. “My waistline, you know,” she says, with a twinkle in her eye.
She has had her share of disappointment and sorrow in her life. She lost a son to cancer, an extremely difficult trial for her.
But through her disappointments, through all the difficulties life has brought her way, she has remained giving and generous, always ready to extend an invitation to ‘come visit.’
Perhaps she knows something we all could learn from. Perhaps she finds healing and comfort in creating a place of peace, and in sharing it. Perhaps the chance to focus on and serve another lifts her heart and, for a few moments, her sorrow is replaced with the joy that comes from lifting another soul.
I believe that is true. I believe there is healing in making our homes places where those who enter (including ourselves) can feel peace. I believe as we find ways to increase our enjoyment in doing so, we will feel more fulfilled, and we will discover a desire to reach out and share that peace with others.
Homemaking (or “Homekeeping” as author Miriam Lukken calls it) is one way we express our love for and serve those who share or visit our homes. Maybe Mrs. Dunwoody’s Excellent Instructions and other similar books can remind us of that scriptural admonition, “when ye are in the service of your fellow men, ye are only in the service of your God.”
And maybe then we will be reminded, once again, that the surest way to peace and healing and happiness in this life is through serving others.
Another Widow
Thursday, May 14th, 2009 | Friends, Grieving, Healing after Loss | No Comments
Lonely days; nights filled with sorrow.
A dull ache in the heart that never seems to ease.
“If only…” thoughts playing repeatedly in the mind, haunting the memory and threatening to destroy the rare moments of peace.
I remember those days, early in my grief. Whenever I hear of another woman losing her husband, I can’t help but offer a prayer I know cannot truly be answered: “Oh, please spare her those painful days.”
I heard a few days ago that another dear friend lost her husband in a terrible accident. The moment I heard, I thought, “Oh, no. Not her.”
She is generous; she is patient, she is soft-spoken and kind. She is ever thinking of others, and doing things for those around her is what brings her the greatest joy. She loves God, and the way she lives her life makes that very evident.
She is everything good. She has raised a beautiful family; created a home that is welcoming and filled with beauty; grown a garden that evokes a feeling of peace and solitude – a place to find oneness with the Creator.
Over the years as we’ve raised our families, whenever we’ve visited, she has expressed love and concerns for her children, hoping and praying that they will each find the greatest happiness possible in life. As we spoke of husbands, her love for her sweetheart was always evident, and I marveled that two so seemingly perfect people had found each other and had been blessed with such a loving family.
Family has been the motivating factor in all she has done. In the past few years, now with an ‘empty nest’, she and her husband were getting ready to spend the next years serving their family and an ever-widening circle of friends, together.
Now, together isn’t an option.
The funeral is today, and I am thousands of miles away. I long to be there, to take her in my arms and tell her that I ache for her, and that I will be there in any way that she needs. I want to help, but there is so little I can do.
What can I do?
I can let her know of my love for her. I can tell her I will be praying for her. My children and I know that those prayers have great power. We felt them in the days following my husband’s death.
I can be a listening ear, for whatever she needs to say. I remember there were some things I only dared say to another widow, for fear of being misunderstood, and judged wrongly by one who hadn’t experienced what I was going through.
I can pray to be aware of her needs, and I can offer friendship and companionship when the loneliness becomes unbearable.
And I can remind her that, although she may often feel alone, she is never truly on her own. There is always One she can turn to, who will never leave her comfortless. Widows are among those He is most concerned about, and he tells His people to “honour widows”, and reminds them that “pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction…”
Another widow. Oh, how I wish I could erase this event from her life. But I cannot.
How I wish I could ease her pain. I cannot do that either. But I know One who can. And I will pray, fervently, that He will.
I love you, dear friend. May you feel Him near you in your time of distress.
-Roslyn
About Me
Recent Posts
Recent Comments
- Roslyn Reynolds on In God’s Hands
- admin on In God’s Hands
- Stacy Hampton on In God’s Hands
- beccky on Don’t Worry, Be Happy!
- Miriam Lukken on Mrs. Dunwoody’s Excellent Instructions for Homekeeping