Grieving during the Holidays
Grieving on Memorial Day
Friday, May 28th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Friends, Grieving, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a Spouse, Losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Loss of a loved one, Personal Care while Grieving, Service, The Healing Power of Service, Uncategorized | No Comments
Memorial Day Weekend. When we hear those words, we often think of a time to honor those who have given their lives in the service of our country. Those words also often conjure up images of picnics, campouts, gatherings with friends, and lots of food and fun.
Other pictures comes to mind, however: a woman, weeping as she kneels with a handful of flowers at the fresh grave of her husband; a man at the cemetery, standing by the marker bearing his wife’s name and wondering how he can go on. To these people, Memorial Day has a very different meaning.
This Memorial Day, are you (or is someone you know) grieving the loss of a loved one who is no longer with you? Are you still at the stage of grief where your emotions are unpredictable, you live with a perpetual ache in your heart, and you never know when the tears will suddenly surface again?
Memorial Day can be a hard day for those who’ve experienced loss. But there are things you can do to help make it through this weekend – and that will help you move on with life. Here are five tips to begin with:
First, grieve. Grieving is painful, unpredictable, and it can be a long process. No wonder people want to avoid it. However, grieving is part of the healing process, and if we refuse to work through our grief, we will never heal completely.
Allow yourself to grieve. Find a place where you can let the tears flow and the racking sobs descend. You will find that as you do, there is a cleansing and a renewal that takes their place.
Author Deanna Edwards tells of the young child who said about grief, “Tears are what God gave us to let the hurt out.” Admit that the void in your life hurts, and that it’s okay to hurt. As a wise man once said there would be something wrong if we didn’t hurt when a loved one dies. Take the time to grieve, and eventually, if you embrace the grieving process, it will bring renewal and peace.
Second, reach out and find a friend. Find someone you can talk to, who understands what you’re going through, and talk. Share your sorrows; share what helps you each get through hard times, and you’ll both come away stronger. Sometimes the very best gift we can be given when we are mourning is a listening ear, and understanding without judgment.
Third, write! Take out a pen and paper, find a quiet spot where you can be uninterrupted, and remember. Record the good things that came from your relationship with that loved one. Write what you appreciated about them. Write about some of your favorite memories with them. One day these memories will not be so fresh, and you will be grateful that you took the time now to create something you can look back on and find joy in remembering.
Fourth, get moving! When we are grieving, often the most appealing activity is no activity at all. It is so tempting to crawl into bed, pull the covers over one’s head, and retreat. But grieving is not just emotional work. It involves the whole body, and exercise helps move the process along more quickly. Walk, run, garden, get out the yoga CD and follow along – just do something to move your body and get the endorphins flowing. Movement will help banish the blues and help you to look at life from a much more positive perspective.
Finally, serve someone in memory of your loved one. Even if it is a very small thing, find something you can do for someone else to lift their burden. The old adage “It is better to give than to receive” is true – and how better to honor the memory of the one you loved than to do a kind deed in their memory. Einstein said, “The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and learned how to give.” Many people have found that looking outside their own troubles, if only for a few minutes, and finding a way to give to someone else, truly has brought them comfort and happiness.
Make this Memorial Day memorable, by grieving when you need to; finding a friend to confide in; writing about your loved one; moving; and serving. As you do, you will find you make cherished memories yourself, and you will be further along on the path to healing, wholeness, and peace.
In Loving Memory . . .
Wednesday, May 26th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Grieving, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a Spouse, Losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Loss of a loved one, Service, The Healing Power of Service, Unshaken Faith in Trials | No Comments
What will Memorial Day be like for you this year?
I know it will be very tender for me. Mom’s funeral was just last week, and I am still in that cocoon of early grief that I am not ready to emerge from. I find that it surrounds me with sweet memories, allows me frequent tears, and insulates me from feeling guilt for not being fully engaged in ‘regular life’ just yet.
I have heard people say this weekend is a depressing one for them. Too many memories, too many reminders that their loved one is no longer at their side. I can understand.
However, I have an invitation to extend. To bring a sweet moment to your weekend, rather than allowing your mourning to take over for the entire weekend, choose a time to find one way to honor your loved one.
It is one way for their influence to live on. If, because of our loved one, we are out in the world doing good in their memory, the world is still a better place because they lived.
Paul, instructing the saints in Galatia how to find their greatest happiness and peace offered the following counsel: “…by love serve one another.” We can do the same. Make a difference for someone else – create a bright spot in someone’s day; place a call to someone you know needs a lift; contact a humanitarian center and volunteer a couple of hours; deliver a handful of flowers to someone who is down. Your service can be done anonymously, or out in the open – you choose.
And do it in loving memory of your loved one.
Yes, they are gone – but we are still here, and I believe that we each have something good to give to the world. No matter how small our offering may seem, we need to give it – for the world’s sake, and for our own.
I think I’ve decided what I’m going to do. I am getting excited thinking that those who’ve gone beyond this life may be able to look down and smile that we are remembering them this way.
I know I’m going to look heavenward and whisper,
“This one’s for you!”
In loving memory,
Roslyn
P.S. Once you’ve completed your service, I invite you to my facebook page (search “SOLO – Getting It All Together”) to post what you did – remember you can do it anonymously if you wish – and let’s share what good was brought into the world in memory of those we are remembering!
A New Year!
Friday, January 1st, 2010 | Building Self-Confidence, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss, Overcoming Disappointment, The Power of a Positive Outlook, The healing power of Faith in Christ | No Comments
New beginnings.
Fresh starts.
Anticipation.
Hope!
I love the New Year.
New beginnings are vital to me. Even each new morning gives me hope because the day is yet unstained by discouragement or weariness. In the morning, I feel almost anything is possible! As our family kneels each morning in prayer, one thought often expressed is, “ . . . we are thankful for another day to live.” And truly, we are grateful for the chance to try again to be what we hope to be, and to do what we hope to do.
By the end of the day, the reality of what I didn’t accomplish can make me feel discouraged and overwhelmed if I allow it to. By the end of each year, when I evaluate what I have done and compare it with what I hoped to accomplish, it can make my heart lose hope.
But the New Year is full of hope. It reminds me that life keeps going, and I can too. It is another chance to learn, to grow, to find peace and to give love. It is a time to dream big, to think about possibilities and to believe in miracles.
So now, on January 1, 2010, what do I feel today?
Confidence that God is aware of my plight, and is watching over me, and will provide the way.
Assurance that if I keep doing my best, dedicating each day and each task to Him, He will continue to carry me, just as he has before. I will not be alone as I move through this New Year.
I love the book of John in the Bible. Christ’s words fill its pages, and today as I contemplate this upcoming year, I find great hope in verse 18:
“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.”
May you have that same assurance. As you ponder the things you would like to do, and as you dare to hope and dream, remember Matthew 19:26: “ . . . with God all things are possible.”
Read Mark 9:23: “ . . . all things are possible to him that believeth.”
“All things . . .” Aren’t those beautiful words? We just have to believe.
It is a day of new beginnings, fresh starts, and anticipation. Our Redeemer stands ready to help us heal and help us to reach for our dreams.
May you feel Him near, and may His nearness bring you everlasting Hope.
To the future!
-Roslyn
We Need A Little Christmas
Saturday, December 26th, 2009 | Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss, The Power of a Positive Outlook, The healing power of Faith in Christ | No Comments
The song from the Broadway musical “Mame” encourages us to haul out the holly, put up the tree, fill the stockings and hang some tinsel. The reason? Because we “need a little music, need a little laughter, need a little singing ringing through the rafter, we need a little snappy “happy ever after”; we need a little Christmas now.”
What is it about Christmas that makes that “Happy ever after” feeling materialize in our hearts?
On Christmas Eve as we stood around the piano singing carols, I realized once again that it is not because of the tinsel, the holly, or the stockings. The Christmas tree has nothing to do with “Happy ever after”. But there could be no “Happy ever after” if it weren’t for “God’s own Son, the salvation of the world begun[2]. . .”
“The choirs of angels sang at the glory of the sight”, and “the bells of Heaven rang, all through the night”, because it was truly “Love that was sent from above to the earth.” Without that Love – our Savior and Redeemer – our ‘ever afters’ would be dismal and without purpose.
His coming provided the way to “Happy ever after.” It was the greatest gift we ever will receive. As Neal A. Maxwell said, “God’s gifts, unlike seasonal gifts, are eternal and unperishable, constituting a continuing Christmas which is never over! These infinite gifts are made possible by the “infinite Atonement.”
That Christmas feeling in our hearts is hope. That little babe in the manger came to bring us release from the shackles of sin and sorrow, and to show us the path to purity and peace.
Yes, we all “need a little Christmas” – and we need it all year round.
Yours rejoicing in that hope,
Roslyn
Give Yourself a Gift!
Wednesday, December 16th, 2009 | Building Self-Confidence, Death of a loved one, Grieving, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss | No Comments
On this, our third day of sharing ideas to help as we grieve through the holidays, my suggestion is to decide to give yourself a gift. It may seem silly at first—after all, you’ll know what it is, and there’s absolutely no element of surprise. What’s the purpose of taking the time to choose, purchase, wrap, and place a gift under the tree – from you?
This is much more than just “taking care of number one”. Cheryl Richardson, in her book The Art of Extreme Self-Care says, “When we care for ourselves deeply and deliberately, we naturally begin to care for others – our families, our friends, and the world – in a healthier and more effective way.”
When we are grieving, we need to learn to be gentle with ourselves, and to treat ourselves with great care. Choosing a gift for ourselves is a genuine response to the admonition from Luke 10:27 to love “thy neighbor as thyself.” Clearly, we are to love our neighbors well. So it follows that we must love ourselves well also, and this idea of choosing something special for a gift is a tender way to show that love.
It need not be something tangible. There could be something you’ve wanted to change in your life, something that will make a difference in each day, and you may choose to commit now to make that change. Write it down; put it in a box, and wrap it up. Each time you see that gift under the tree, think of the way your life will improve as you make that change.
I’ve chosen my gift this year. I am going to wrap it tonight and place it under the tree. When the children are sorting through the gifts (do they do that at your house?) and they ask, “Hey, what’s this – “From Mom to Mom???” I’ll just smile.
Do something that will bring a smile to your face – give yourself a gift!
Reach Out!
Tuesday, December 15th, 2009 | Friends, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss | No Comments
We are working our way through the holidays, finding ways to deal with our grief and still find some light in the Christmas season.
Today’s tip is to reach out. Find someone you can talk to, someone who understands what you’re going through, and visit with them. Talking to someone who has grieved before can be especially helpful, because they know what it’s like.
I remember once in my grief sharing something I was feeling with a young friend, and seeing a look of concern enter her eyes. I quickly thought back over what I had said, and realized, “she thinks I’m crazy!” What I had said would sound that way to someone who didn’t understand grief first-hand. I tried to back-peddle, and explain, but it came out clumsily. I knew she loved me and wanted to help, but it was difficult for her to relate.
Those who’ve walked this path can listen and be a sounding-board without judging or becoming overly concerned. Sometimes all we need is to be able to talk things out, and to be heard. As we speak, things sometimes iron themselves out.
Share what helps you each get through hard times, and you’ll both come away stronger.
I have found that finding someone to talk to can make all the difference. So, for today – reach out! You just might find the boost that will help you go through one more day with a greater degree of peace than you have found before. I pray that is the case!
-Roslyn
Surviving the Holidays While Grieving
Sunday, December 13th, 2009 | Death of a loved one, Grieving, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss, The Power of a Positive Outlook | No Comments
The house lights are twinkling, Christmas trees glimmer out of every front window, and joyous music fills the air, but your heart seems immune to the joy. As much as you want to, you can’t feel the happiness this season used to bring. All you feel is–alone.
For many others, this time of year is the brightest, most exciting and joyful time of the year. For one who has lost a loved one, the holidays can be one of the darkest times of the year.
As we mourn during the holidays, what can we do to lessen the pain, and to increase our ability to feel peace in this, the Season of Peace?
For the next few days I will share things others have done to survive the holidays while they are mourning the loss of their loved one.
Today, our task is to be kind to ourselves! Realize it is normal not to feel the excitement and joy we used to feel. It is okay not to want to join in all the celebrations, and to feel like pulling back into the safe cocoon of isolation if it is overwhelming to step out just yet.
Allow yourself to grieve. Know that there will be years ahead when you welcome the opportunity to go out and mix with humanity again.
If there are things you do want to do, go ahead! Don’t worry about what others will say, or about what may happen while you are out – just go with a prayer and a willing heart, and allow yourself to feel the happiness in the air. Know that it’s okay to feel that! I remember the first time after the funeral that I laughed, and how I caught myself thinking, “You shouldn’t be laughing. You’re mourning.” Then I realized how absurd that thought was. Yes, I was mourning, but I was also living, and it was okay to laugh, or cry, or feel whatever living life invited me to feel.
So, for today, accept the fact that because you are grieving, the holidays will be different. And that’s okay. Accept whatever joy steals into your heart with gratitude. Think on the birth of the only One who truly knows your heart, and feel gratitude for the peace that only He can bring.
As you draw near to Him, and see evidence of His love, record it in your journal. And in the years ahead, may this Christmas be one that you will remember with tenderness, and with the realization that you were not alone. He is with us, always.
Toward your healing,
Roslyn
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