Losing a loved one
Angels Watching Over Me
Friday, August 20th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a loved one, The healing power of Faith in Christ, Unshaken Faith in Trials | No Comments
Monday evening we had planned to go to a Marvin Goldstein concert that had been arranged just for widows and widowers and their families. I looked forward to it for months, and could hardly wait to listen to his beautiful music and to hear him tell the story of his life.
Life took a turn, however, on Monday afternoon. We were visiting my sister’s family at a cabin in the mountains above the Salt Lake Valley, and the cousins offered to teach my daughter, Meg, to ride a four-wheeler.
“Have fun – and be ’safety sallies,’” I called as they trooped down the cabin’s front steps. They left, joking and talking, and my sister and I settled down on the couches in the front room for a much-needed nap.
The next thing I heard was my sister’s voice saying, “Is she okay?”, and my nephew’s voice hesitating, “Um….no…”
I awoke to see him carrying Meg into the cabin, obviously injured and in shock.
He laid her on a recliner, my sister grabbed a towel and began tearing it into strips for bandages, and while we continued to assure Meg she would be okay, we began cleaning her wounds.
I began feeling light-headed. I’ve never been good around blood. But I was determined to stay present and to be a help, not a hindrance for Meg at this crucial time, so I sat on the floor as I attempted to wash the gravel out the palm of one of her hands, breathing deeply to keep the faintness away. We decided we’d better get her to emergency care immediately.
It seemed to take forever to drive her over the rocky roads to the nearest help in Park City, but thankfully the waiting room wasn’t too crowded, and soon we were ushered into the triage area.
As the doctors examined Meg, I became more and more relieved. No broken bones; no apparent internal injuries; no concussion – just a painful bump on her nose, a knee needing stitches and arms and hands in need of bandages for her ‘road rash’.
After the doctors made their decision and left the curtained area to get the supplies, Meg and I looked at each other, and I think we were both overcome at the same moment with the thought, “There were angels protecting you.” It was a deeply spiritual moment when we received that thought, and we knew it was true.
Later that night, Meg was lying in her bed resting when one of her cousins that had been riding an ATV behind her came to visit and see how she was doing, and he told me what he had seen from behind.
Meg had been following another cousin, who had turned to go down a hill. Meg turned too sharply, and the ATV lifted up on two wheels, then bounced down on the other two, and then completely flipped and rolled. It ended up right-side up – on top of Meg – who had landed face down in a ditch. The ATV wasn’t even touching her.
I know that for some reason, angels can’t – and don’t – prevent all tragedies. All of us who have lost any loved one are all too aware of that fact. Many of us know people who are para- or quadraplegics after incidents such as Meg’s. We were told Monday about a man whose ATV did the same thing as Meg’s – and he didn’t live.
Why was Meg spared? We may never know – but I can – and forever will express gratitude for those protecting angels, and for the answer to our prayer of that morning, asking for “protection in all that we do this day”.
As we strive to stay near to our Savior, He promises us, “For I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”*
As widows and widowers, and those who have suffered loss, even though our lives have not turned out as we would have hoped, I believe we can see evidence of that Heavenly help, and of those angels, in our daily lives. I believe they help us ward off despair, and whisper hope to our hearts. I believe they give us courage to go out just one more day and face the world. I know they give us strength to face the tragedies life brings our way. And, sometimes, for reasons we may never understand, I believe they perform miracles that help us see that truly, we are not alone on this journey, and that Heaven is only a prayer away.
May you more often see the influence of those angels that are “round about you”, and may you, too, feel to give thanks for that Heavenly help.
With a thankful heart,
Roslyn
*Doctrine and Covenants 84:88
A Slower Pace
Sunday, August 15th, 2010 | Building Self-Confidence, Death of a loved one, Grieving, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a Spouse, Losing a loved one, Loss of a loved one, Overcoming Disappointment, Personal Care while Grieving, Sudden loss, The Power of a Positive Outlook, Unshaken Faith in Trials | No Comments
Richards Hollow Trail, Blacksmith Fork Canyon
For her birthday, my oldest daughter Brooke asked if I would accompany her on a hike, high in the alpine mountains above Hyrum, Utah.
First you have to know that she is more than twenty years younger than I am – and has always had incredible energy and drive. She accomplishes more in a few hours than I do in an entire day.
I love the mountains, and I love her, so I willingly accepted. I did not take into account that, due to my recent schedule, I have not been consistent in my daily exercising (so I am somewhat out of shape), and that hikes usually entail significant uphill trails which can be pretty demanding. I only envisioned the joy of being out in nature with my daughter, and I was excited.
As we headed up the steep rocky trail, it very quickly became apparent that she was setting a pace I was unaccustomed to – and one that I would not be able to hold for very long. The path followed a stream that gurgled over rocks and tree roots, and there was frequent welcome shade where the tall trees’ branches reached over the trail. It was beautiful, and I drew strength from the beauty that surrounded us. But that strength was not quite enough, and after not too long, I guess she perceived I was beginning to ‘lose steam’.
“Let’s rest in this shade…” she graciously offered as we arrived in a cool glade of aspen. Her husband and my youngest daughter were with us, and they seemed almost as relieved as I felt when we stopped to catch our breath.
After a brief rest, we were back on our way. And although I loved being out in all of that breath-taking beauty, I wished I could slow down a bit! The pace demanded too much of my focus just to keep climbing, one step after another.
Brooke thoughtfully stopped us for frequent rests that I know she didn’t need. She still seemed full of energy when, after a few hours, we had hiked through meadows of wildflowers, groves of pines, hillsides of aspen and sheer rock cliffs. We finished the hike and headed down toward the car, filled with a deepened appreciation for the beauties of this world.
But I have decided that I am at a place in life where, although I still love hiking, I now go with a different objective. No longer am I driven to get to the top of the mountain, or the end of the trail, or even to the wonder that the guidebook promises is just around the next bend. I now enjoy a slower pace, and I am prone to halt more frequently to study the rock that, in earlier years, I would have simply stepped over. My eyes are less focused on the montain top and instead are drawn this way and that, eager to study a wildflower that beckons to be smelled, an unusual leaf, or the butterfly that flits from one blossom to the next. I am lifted by their beauty, and I am renewed by being surrounded by God’s abundant creations. I am content to sit and listen to the breeze rustling the tops of the giant pines while others continue the climb to the top of the trail.
I believe that trauma, loss, discouragement and grief require us to slow down and pull back from the frantic pace of daily life, and can even be an invitation to look for the small things that witness to us that God is aware of us and our struggles, and that He desires to lift us with all that He created specifically to bring beauty into our lives, and peace into our hearts.
Of course He knew we would meet with difficulty in this life, and I believe He planned to surround us with things that would give us healing, hope and courage, if we would only open our eyes to them.
So if you are seeking that healing, and if you find sometimes that your hope and courage are failing you, slow down. Don’t let the length of life’s journey discourage you, but rather, focus just on today, and open your eyes and find one of God’s messages of hope – a beautiful view of a mountain, meadow, or lake; the song of a bird outside your window, or the intricate beauty of a flower.
Choose a slower pace – and find hope!
-Roslyn
Freedom Isn’t Free
Monday, July 5th, 2010 | Losing a loved one, Patriotism, Service | 1 Comment
I remember standing on the top step of our elementary school stage, singing that song with all my heart at our annual musical patriotic assembly. I loved those songs, and I can still remember some of the lyrics:
“Freedom isn’t free,
Freedom isn’t free,
You have to pay the price, you’ve got to sacrifice,
For your liberty.”
My father was an Air Force pilot, and flew combat missions in the Korean Conflict. My mother followed him from base to base as he served in the military, and he retired shortly after I was born, so I was the first of their children to live in the same house for my entire childhood.
Moving constantly wasn’t easy – but my parents willingly made that sacrifice. They were serving their country.
Dad taught us to stand and place our hands on our hearts whenever the flag went by. He was very precise about how we were to treat the flag, too. We always had a flag in the front hall closet, and it was flown in front of our home frequently.There was a specific way to fold it when we were putting it away, and if it wasn’t done right, we did it again.
There were eight of us kids when Mom and Dad would take us on trips around the country, and we’d always stop in at the homes of men Dad had served with while he was on active duty. I loved listening to them reminiscing about the missions they’d flown together, their commanding officers, funny things that had happened, and then, about their buddies who didn’t come back from missions. There was always a painful pause in the conversation when they started talking about that.
I would always think, “What about their families? What happened to them? I’m so glad my dad came back.” I would wonder what it must have been like to be raising a family while men were going away to serve, never knowing for sure if they would return.
That was almost fifty years ago. Now, I see men in my own neighborhood in uniform, leaving for extended periods of time to go across the ocean to foreign lands. It is happening again. And, again, I wonder, what about their families? What will happen to them?
I cannot predict – but I know there are some things I can do to help. I believe in prayer. I can pray for them and their families. I can let them know I am thinking about them and keeping them in my prayers.When I see a soldier, I can tell him thank you, and let him know that I realize he is making a sacrifice that not every man would make.
I can strive to be informed, and to pray for our leaders to make wise decisions when it comes to what our servicemen do. And I can live the best I can, and influence my children and grandchildren to live the best they can, so that our world will be a little bit better place, and so peace will reign in just a few more places. Because I believe that every place there is peace blesses the world. If we want freedom, we have to live to deserve it.
A people without morality, without self-restraint, without civility, and without faith do not deserve the freedom they claim. And it will not come to them, because after all, freedom isn’t free.
True freedom is only found when morality, self-restraint, civility and faith are in place.
May we all live to see those virtues re-enshrined in the hearts of the people in this great country. And may that begin today, as we each commit to live them better in our own lives.
Freedom isn’t free.
Let’s pay the price.
To Freedom!
-Roslyn
Getting It All Together When You Find Yourself Alone
Saturday, June 26th, 2010 | Books on grief, Death of a loved one, Grieving, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a Spouse, Losing a loved one, Loss of a loved one, Overcoming Disappointment, Personal Care while Grieving, Sudden loss | No Comments
Grieving on Memorial Day
Friday, May 28th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Friends, Grieving, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a Spouse, Losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Loss of a loved one, Personal Care while Grieving, Service, The Healing Power of Service, Uncategorized | No Comments
Memorial Day Weekend. When we hear those words, we often think of a time to honor those who have given their lives in the service of our country. Those words also often conjure up images of picnics, campouts, gatherings with friends, and lots of food and fun.
Other pictures comes to mind, however: a woman, weeping as she kneels with a handful of flowers at the fresh grave of her husband; a man at the cemetery, standing by the marker bearing his wife’s name and wondering how he can go on. To these people, Memorial Day has a very different meaning.
This Memorial Day, are you (or is someone you know) grieving the loss of a loved one who is no longer with you? Are you still at the stage of grief where your emotions are unpredictable, you live with a perpetual ache in your heart, and you never know when the tears will suddenly surface again?
Memorial Day can be a hard day for those who’ve experienced loss. But there are things you can do to help make it through this weekend – and that will help you move on with life. Here are five tips to begin with:
First, grieve. Grieving is painful, unpredictable, and it can be a long process. No wonder people want to avoid it. However, grieving is part of the healing process, and if we refuse to work through our grief, we will never heal completely.
Allow yourself to grieve. Find a place where you can let the tears flow and the racking sobs descend. You will find that as you do, there is a cleansing and a renewal that takes their place.
Author Deanna Edwards tells of the young child who said about grief, “Tears are what God gave us to let the hurt out.” Admit that the void in your life hurts, and that it’s okay to hurt. As a wise man once said there would be something wrong if we didn’t hurt when a loved one dies. Take the time to grieve, and eventually, if you embrace the grieving process, it will bring renewal and peace.
Second, reach out and find a friend. Find someone you can talk to, who understands what you’re going through, and talk. Share your sorrows; share what helps you each get through hard times, and you’ll both come away stronger. Sometimes the very best gift we can be given when we are mourning is a listening ear, and understanding without judgment.
Third, write! Take out a pen and paper, find a quiet spot where you can be uninterrupted, and remember. Record the good things that came from your relationship with that loved one. Write what you appreciated about them. Write about some of your favorite memories with them. One day these memories will not be so fresh, and you will be grateful that you took the time now to create something you can look back on and find joy in remembering.
Fourth, get moving! When we are grieving, often the most appealing activity is no activity at all. It is so tempting to crawl into bed, pull the covers over one’s head, and retreat. But grieving is not just emotional work. It involves the whole body, and exercise helps move the process along more quickly. Walk, run, garden, get out the yoga CD and follow along – just do something to move your body and get the endorphins flowing. Movement will help banish the blues and help you to look at life from a much more positive perspective.
Finally, serve someone in memory of your loved one. Even if it is a very small thing, find something you can do for someone else to lift their burden. The old adage “It is better to give than to receive” is true – and how better to honor the memory of the one you loved than to do a kind deed in their memory. Einstein said, “The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and learned how to give.” Many people have found that looking outside their own troubles, if only for a few minutes, and finding a way to give to someone else, truly has brought them comfort and happiness.
Make this Memorial Day memorable, by grieving when you need to; finding a friend to confide in; writing about your loved one; moving; and serving. As you do, you will find you make cherished memories yourself, and you will be further along on the path to healing, wholeness, and peace.
In Loving Memory . . .
Wednesday, May 26th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Grieving, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a Spouse, Losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Loss of a loved one, Service, The Healing Power of Service, Unshaken Faith in Trials | No Comments
What will Memorial Day be like for you this year?
I know it will be very tender for me. Mom’s funeral was just last week, and I am still in that cocoon of early grief that I am not ready to emerge from. I find that it surrounds me with sweet memories, allows me frequent tears, and insulates me from feeling guilt for not being fully engaged in ‘regular life’ just yet.
I have heard people say this weekend is a depressing one for them. Too many memories, too many reminders that their loved one is no longer at their side. I can understand.
However, I have an invitation to extend. To bring a sweet moment to your weekend, rather than allowing your mourning to take over for the entire weekend, choose a time to find one way to honor your loved one.
It is one way for their influence to live on. If, because of our loved one, we are out in the world doing good in their memory, the world is still a better place because they lived.
Paul, instructing the saints in Galatia how to find their greatest happiness and peace offered the following counsel: “…by love serve one another.” We can do the same. Make a difference for someone else – create a bright spot in someone’s day; place a call to someone you know needs a lift; contact a humanitarian center and volunteer a couple of hours; deliver a handful of flowers to someone who is down. Your service can be done anonymously, or out in the open – you choose.
And do it in loving memory of your loved one.
Yes, they are gone – but we are still here, and I believe that we each have something good to give to the world. No matter how small our offering may seem, we need to give it – for the world’s sake, and for our own.
I think I’ve decided what I’m going to do. I am getting excited thinking that those who’ve gone beyond this life may be able to look down and smile that we are remembering them this way.
I know I’m going to look heavenward and whisper,
“This one’s for you!”
In loving memory,
Roslyn
P.S. Once you’ve completed your service, I invite you to my facebook page (search “SOLO – Getting It All Together”) to post what you did – remember you can do it anonymously if you wish – and let’s share what good was brought into the world in memory of those we are remembering!
“That’s what you hang onto . . .”
Monday, May 17th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Friends, Grieving, Healing after Loss, Losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Loss of a loved one, Service, Unshaken Faith in Trials | No Comments
Thursday was Mom’s funeral. What sweet memories have flooded my mind since that hour! At the viewing beforehand, people coming through the line told us of many ways Mom had influenced them for good, and of their love and respect for her. At the service, each of my siblings and I were able to take part in some way, and as each brother or sister spoke or sang or played I felt a wave of gratitude to be Mom’s daughter, and their sister, and that I am part of this loving family.
Each talk focused on the different ways Mom’s life blessed and lifted others, and how her example can help each of us make a difference for those around us. The thought came repeatedly to mind that we have no idea how much time we each have on this earth, and how fleeting time can be, and that if we are to be like Mom, we need to be focused on doing whatever good we can in the time that we have.
I remembered a poem I learned in my youth:
Do all the good you can
By all the means you can
In all the ways you can
For all the people you can
In whatever place you can.
Mom did. Wherever she went, she left a trail of goodness.
As the crowd left the flower-bedecked graveside, I stood next to my Uncle Wayne. My emotions were close to the surface, and I found it hard to speak. He noticed and said, “You know, you’ll find that one day, the pain leaves – and the beautiful memories come flooding in – and that’s what you hang onto.”
He is right. I didn’t even have to wait until the pain left. In spite of the ache in my heart, beautiful memories are flooding into my mind – and I am cherishing them.
Thanks for the memories, Mom. Thanks for a great life, well-lived. Thanks for raising me with the knowledge that this life isn’t the end, and that I will see you again. That future meeting will be an added incentive to live like you did, so I can be with you once more.
I love you Mom. You’ll ever be close to my thoughts.
Hanging on to the memories,
Roslyn
She is Gone
Friday, May 7th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Grieving, Losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Loss of a loved one, The Power of a Positive Outlook | No Comments
I walked downstairs tonight, and turned the corner to the room where Mom’s hospital bed used to be, and when I saw the empty space in the middle of the room, my heart felt like lead.
I guess it might be that way for a while until I get used to the fact that she isn’t here, and won’t be, ever again.
It was just three weeks ago that the doctors at the hospital sent her home for hospice care, and we knew our time with her would be brief. We had them put the bed in a large room where there would be room for friends and family to come see her and gather at her bedside – and they did. Cousins, children, grandchildren, and friends all came to see Mom, to tell her of the love they had for her, and of her great influence on their lives, and to wish her well.
Early in the days of her care here, a friend told me that there would be angels coming and going as her time in this mortal sphere was ending. I felt them. There was a sweet spirit about her and in our home during her stay here.
Early on, she was still able to communicate just a bit. She let me know she wanted to help me – and that she didn’t want to be a burden. I think of sweet things she did or said, hoping to help lighten the load she perceived I was carrying, and it reminded me of the things she had done her whole life long – always doing something to help someone else, never thinking of herself.
I think of times I would walk into the room to see if she wanted water, or food, or needed other care, and the sweet smile that lit up her face when she recognized me.
I think of the times a family member would call on the phone, and I’d hold the phone up to her ear, and watch as the things they said brought an attempt at a word, or a sigh, or a smile.
Then, as the days went on, that smile came less and less frequently, and the recognition faded, and the responses were limited to an occasional faint squeeze of a hand, or the slight lifting of an eyebrow.
The last day, it pained me to watch her breathing. I gave her the medication that was supposed to make it easier for her, but it was never easy to watch the irregular rise and fall of her chest. Then, I stepped out of the room for a few minutes, and when I returned, she had taken her last breath, and was gone.
Although there were challenges – difficult ones – in caring for Mom, I will always be grateful for those days that I had the chance to serve her. I was not perfect at it. I wish I had done better. But I learned lessons I could not have learned any other way – and I was convinced more than ever before that Mom was a beautiful soul, and that I want to do whatever it takes to arrive at the same place she is when my turn to leave this sphere comes.
Thank you, Mom. I love you. I’ll miss you.
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