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Grieving on Memorial Day

Friday, May 28th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Friends, Grieving, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a Spouse, Losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Loss of a loved one, Personal Care while Grieving, Service, The Healing Power of Service, Uncategorized | No Comments

Memorial Day Weekend. When we hear those words, we often think of a time to honor those who have given their lives in the service of our country. Those words also often conjure up images of picnics, campouts, gatherings with friends, and lots of food and fun.

Other pictures comes to mind, however: a woman, weeping as she kneels with a handful of flowers at the fresh grave of her husband; a man at the cemetery, standing by the marker bearing his wife’s name and wondering how he can go on. To these people, Memorial Day has a very different meaning.

This Memorial Day, are you (or is someone you know) grieving the loss of a loved one who is no longer with you? Are you still at the stage of grief where your emotions are unpredictable, you live with a perpetual ache in your heart, and you never know when the tears will suddenly surface again?

Memorial Day can be a hard day for those who’ve experienced loss. But there are things you can do to help make it through this weekend – and that will help you move on with life. Here are five tips to begin with:

First, grieve. Grieving is painful, unpredictable, and it can be a long process. No wonder people want to avoid it. However, grieving is part of the healing process, and if we refuse to work through our grief, we will never heal completely.
Allow yourself to grieve. Find a place where you can let the tears flow and the racking sobs descend. You will find that as you do, there is a cleansing and a renewal that takes their place.
Author Deanna Edwards tells of the young child who said about grief, “Tears are what God gave us to let the hurt out.” Admit that the void in your life hurts, and that it’s okay to hurt. As a wise man once said there would be something wrong if we didn’t hurt when a loved one dies. Take the time to grieve, and eventually, if you embrace the grieving process, it will bring renewal and peace.

Second, reach out and find a friend. Find someone you can talk to, who understands what you’re going through, and talk. Share your sorrows; share what helps you each get through hard times, and you’ll both come away stronger. Sometimes the very best gift we can be given when we are mourning is a listening ear, and understanding without judgment.

Third, write! Take out a pen and paper, find a quiet spot where you can be uninterrupted, and remember. Record the good things that came from your relationship with that loved one. Write what you appreciated about them. Write about some of your favorite memories with them. One day these memories will not be so fresh, and you will be grateful that you took the time now to create something you can look back on and find joy in remembering.

Fourth, get moving! When we are grieving, often the most appealing activity is no activity at all. It is so tempting to crawl into bed, pull the covers over one’s head, and retreat. But grieving is not just emotional work. It involves the whole body, and exercise helps move the process along more quickly. Walk, run, garden, get out the yoga CD and follow along – just do something to move your body and get the endorphins flowing. Movement will help banish the blues and help you to look at life from a much more positive perspective.

Finally, serve someone in memory of your loved one. Even if it is a very small thing, find something you can do for someone else to lift their burden. The old adage “It is better to give than to receive” is true – and how better to honor the memory of the one you loved than to do a kind deed in their memory. Einstein said, “The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and learned how to give.” Many people have found that looking outside their own troubles, if only for a few minutes, and finding a way to give to someone else, truly has brought them comfort and happiness.

Make this Memorial Day memorable, by grieving when you need to; finding a friend to confide in; writing about your loved one; moving; and serving. As you do, you will find you make cherished memories yourself, and you will be further along on the path to healing, wholeness, and peace.

Tags: Death of a loved one, Family, Grieving, healing from gri, hope, losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Losing a Spouse, loss of a loved one, The Healing Power of Service

“You can take this one back to the store now…”

Sunday, June 14th, 2009 | Overcoming Disappointment, The Power of a Positive Outlook, Uncategorized, Unshaken Faith in Trials | 2 Comments

Little three-year-old Jefferson looked a little downhearted when he muttered those words.

It was his birthday. He’d been so excited – even thrilled – when he had seen the “skuut” bike he’d received. He squealed, “A bike?! A bike?!”

He put on the helmet immediately and began to walk the bike around and around the living room.

His father, (my son-in-law, Grant), capturing it all on video, asked Jefferson, “Do you want to go outside and ride your bike?”

Jefferson answered with his enthusiastic phrase that always makes me smile: “Of COURSE!”

I followed as Grant took him down the three flights of stairs to the sidewalk that winds through their apartment complex, and showed Jefferson how he could sit on the bike seat and push with his feet, but Jeff wasn’t interested. He was comfortable with straddling the bike and walking, step-by-step traversing the concrete pathway circling the apartment building.

“Jeff, don’t you want to try riding it? You can sit down and push with your feet,” I encouraged.

“No, it’s okay,” he responded, his eyes on the sidewalk ahead, and intently walking forward.

Grant and I smiled at each other. It couldn’t be very fun. Ahead we saw a small playground with a slide and a swing, and Jefferson headed straight toward it, gladly abandoning his bike to climb up the ladder, slide down the slide, and then go for a swing.

After awhile, Grant asked, “Are you ready to ride your bike back home?”

Jefferson slid down out of the swing and walked over to the bike. With noticeably less excitement than the first time, he dutifully buckled on his helmet, and straddled the bike for the uphill trip home.

What must he have been experiencing? I wondered what he was thinking. As we were finally approaching the stairs leading to his apartment, he stopped, started to unbuckle his helmet, sighed, and said,

“You can take this one back to the store now.”

It was so sweetly said. He appreciated the thought – but it had been nothing like his expectations. It just hadn’t been fun, and he wanted to trade it in on something better!

It reminded me of so much of life. We think of something we want, and we build up expectations of what it will be like. We have such high hopes!

Then, when we get what we wanted, and it’s less exciting or more work than we expected, and it’s just not fun anymore, we want to trade it in. We want to make a change, give up, or move on.

However, we know something that Jefferson has yet to learn. There isn’t anyplace where we can take what life dishes up and say, “You can have this back. Could I please have a better one?”

We have to deal with what we are given. Thoreau reminded us of that when he said, “Man is the artificer of his own happiness.” We can choose to be happy even when circumstances aren’t ideal. We can learn new things that will help us find the good in our situation.

Grant didn’t return the bike. He knows that Jefferson will soon come to love his bike. As he learns how to balance, and how to make it go, he will find some of his happiest moments sailing along the pavement.

We need to decide to make the best of life – whatever circumstances come to pass – and have faith that if God allowed it, He will also give us the courage and strength to live through it – and learn and grow from it.

I have always loved Victor Hugo’s words:

Be like the bird

That, pausing in her flight

Awhile on boughs too slight,

Feels them give way

Beneath her and yet sings,

Knowing that she hath wings.

We, too, have wings! Our faith in God allows us to rise above life’s challenges and difficulties and not be lost in the fog of despair and discouragement.

When we want to trade in what we’ve been given, we must remember: “With God, nothing is impossible.” And, “I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me.” We can find the good, in any place God puts us.

“Ah, great it is to believe the dream

As we stand in youth by the starry stream;

But a greater thing is to fight life through,

And say at the end, “The dream is true!”

-Edwin Markham

Seeking the good in every day,

-Roslyn

Not Again!!

Thursday, March 5th, 2009 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Two days ago it was a balmy 52%. After months of looking out my back window and seeing nothing but snow covering my vast back lawn, for the first time I could see grass.

Granted, it was grey, lifeless, and laying flat on the ground from being crushed by the weight of a foot of snow for three months, but it was grass. My daughters and I were so thrilled with the sight that we decided to go take a hike in the foothills near our home. We laced on our hiking shoes, threw on lightweight sweaters, and headed out.

We drove to the trailhead and started out. At the base of the trail, the snow had all melted, the pathway was dry, and we ascended quickly. As we climbed in elevation, we came across some areas that were shaded, and a layer of ice still covered the steep trail. Holding on to the bare branches of the trees lining the pathway, we skirted the icy areas, avoiding the sheer drop-off on the other side of the trail.

As soon as we rounded the next corner, we were out in the sunshine again, and the trail opened up onto a large plateau on the side of the mountain. We turned and surveyed the valley below. Although there were no leaves on the trees, and no flowers blooming that we could see, we felt the promise of approaching Spring. Ah, the pure joy of that thought!

This morning when I opened my bedroom shades, I gasped. Four inches of snow covered the back yard. Not one blade of grass is visible.

Not again, I thought. I am SO ready for Spring. I can’t to go back to Winter again.

Winter is everything that reminds me of loss: bare, bleak, grey, colorless, cold, silent, icy, dead. Every Autumn I dread its arrival; every late Winter I pray for its retreat. But as Winter retreats, it never leaves all at once. It fades, then re-appears; the weather warms, and then a sudden chill brings back the snow and ice. By March it seems the process will never end.

Mourning can be like that. We begin the healing process, and after awhile we have two or more days in a row where we make it through without weeping. We begin to think more clearly, and something unexpected makes us laugh with delight. It feels so good to be warming to life again.

But then another snowstorm hits. For reasons we cannot understand, something blindsides us, and we feel we are back at ’square one’. We are out of control of our emotions, confused, and unsure of anything.

Not again, we think. I am SO ready to heal. I can’t go back through all this grieving again.

What can we do?

First, know that it is normal. It is all part of the process. As we grieve, we move from whole rows of difficult days to the time when good days outnumber the bad. There will be the occasional relapse. Expect them – and prepare for them.

Secondly, remember that we are never alone. Though we may be sitting at the table by ourselves at every meal, and kneeling by our bed every night with no one by our side, there is One who has promised never to leave us alone*. He has promised us strength for whatever we have to go through, and as we draw near to Him we will feel Him there, offering love and support.

So when you open your shades, and see yet another snowfall, and think, Not Again!, also think:

I can do this. This will pass, Spring will come, and there will be a better day. I am not alone, and I have for my traveling companion He who knows me best and loves me unfailingly.

And He will be there, right by your side – again.

With hope for your healing,

Roslyn

*John 14:18 – “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.”

In the Eye of the Storm

Saturday, October 25th, 2008 | Uncategorized | No Comments

A few weeks ago I received an email from my brother living in Conroe, Texas—right in the path of the most recent Hurricane, Ike. His email included a photo of the meat section of his local grocery store. There was nothing on the shelves. He wrote that the chips aisle and the soda aisle were likewise depleted. People had panicked, and had cleared out the shelves.

The only injuries he sustained from the hurricane were muscle strain from lifting the boards to his windows to board them up. His home sustained some minor damage (broken water lines,) and he lost power for several days. Yet when I called to learn more details about how he was holding up, he was optimistic and cheerful.

He has been through quite a storm, but he weathered it well. He had found the calm in the eye of the storm.

I had read that in the eye of a tropical cyclone, there is a place where it is calm. No matter what is swirling about the circumference of that area, none of it hits or affects the center. It is a place of relative safety and peace in the middle of turmoil.

Have you felt turmoil in your life? Are there circumstances you feel you have no control over that are causing you grief, or deep disappointment? Do you wish you could find that center, where you could find some peace as your problems and trials swirl around you?

A term often used to describe a person who ‘has it all together’ is “centered”. I have felt that way, when I am doing well, and it is a good feeling. I feel peaceful, capable, and calm.

Right now, however, the signs that I am off-center are increasing. My laundry basket is getting full. The countertop in my bathroom is no longer the shiny, smooth surface I love to run my hand over. There are stacks of papers in my bedroom right now that need attention. I too often catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror as I hurry past, and instead of a smile, I see concern and worry lines. I run from one thing to the next – often late—and when I arrive, more often than not I find I don’t have with me the necessary items to complete my errand.

What ’storm’ am I dealing with? The happy preparations for weddings for two daughters, and helping prepare a son to leave on a two-year church mission. Why is my life feeling out of control when I have such joyful things to celebrate?
As I examine my life recently, I see I have neglected some vital basics. Just as in the early days of my grieving, I have allowed that which demands my immediate attention to crowd out what is vital to my well-being. Those things that allow me to feel calm and peaceful have been overlooked in the rush to accomplish everything on my “to-do” lists.
I know what I need to do. In the midst of this ‘storm’, albeit a happy one, I need to take the time to connect with my Creator daily, by reading and pondering His words.
I need to take the time to pray, and listen for His guidance. My relationship with Him needs to be my first priority.
A great man once said, “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.” 1
As I have learned to grieve, putting God first has made all the difference. He has given me strength to keep going, one day at a time. And He has led me to that calm in the eye of each storm of life, and each time He does, I find peace.
I pray that you, too may find that calm, and know that God waits to lead you there.
In peace,

Roslyn

1 Ezra Taft Benson, LDS April Conference 1988

What are you thinking?

Monday, October 13th, 2008 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Have you ever made a mistake, and had someone look at you in disappointment and say, “What on earth were you thinking?”

Sometimes I have to agree with them, and I think, “What was I thinking?”

This morning I was listening in to a call with Robert G. Allen, the millionaire who is most famous for his book, Nothing Down. He was speaking about the things we think about – specifically what we ask ourselves. He proposed that the way we ask ourselves questions affects deeply the way we behave and the way we see the world.

For instance, have you found yourself asking, “Why did this have to happen?” “What did I do to deserve this?” “Will bad things ever stop happening to me?” “Why is life so hard?”

Mr. Allen contends that those questions lead nowhere. Some are unanswerable (“Why did this have to happen?”;) others only lead to debilitating thoughts and attitudes (“Why is life so hard?”)

The truth is, life is all about problems. Times without problems are scarce. Jenkins Lloyd Jones said the following:

“Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.
“The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”1

I think he is right. The “beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed” are unfortunately very rare. We are unrealistic if we seek that carefree, ‘happily-ever-after’ life that we heard about in the fairy tales.

So, if life is all about problems and learning to solve them, what kind of questions should we be allowing ourselves to ask?

I have found that the most helpful question I can ask when I begin to feel overwhelmed, discouraged, or fearful is, “What can I learn from this?” Often, to be able to face life and the challenges I am dealing with, I have to break life down into tiny increments, and then my question is, “What is the very best use of the next fifteen minutes?”

Many times, it is a nap! I call them ‘power naps’, because they are short – fifteen to thirty minutes long – but they renew my energy and give me the power to move ahead for a few more hours. After a power nap, my outlook is always brighter, and I can ask the positive questions more easily.

In their book Killing Sacred Cows, Garret B. Gunderson and Stephen Palmer ask:

“How do we find freedom on a day-to-day basis? One powerful way is to ask yourself the right questions. Who is ultimately responsible for your prosperity? How can you overcome your fears?How can you be less selfish? What do you really want out of life? What do you have to give, that has not been given because of fear or other limiting factors? Who can you serve today? How can you increase your value to others?”

Can you see how those questions turn one’s thoughts outward and upward? I know from my own experience that as soon as we begin asking ourselves these motivating questions, rather than debilitating ones, we are given strength to do something positive.

Richard Paul Evans, philanthropist and author of The Christmas Box suggests keeping an “idea journal” where we write the answers to these questions as we receive them. Some of his ideas have brought great prosperity; others have brought new life and sweetness to his relationships.

I am finding the same thing. As I ask the right questions, and record my answers, and begin to work on those answers, my outlook is becoming more positive. I am able to accept the fact that life can be hard, but my attitude can be positive no matter what I am going through.

What are you thinking? Perhaps beginning to ask more positive questions can be the beginning of a more optimistic chapter in your life, too. I pray it will be so!
Thinking of you,

Roslyn

Like Mary

Sunday, October 12th, 2008 | Uncategorized | No Comments

When an angel announced to Mary what changes the future held for her, she asked,
“How shall this be . . .?”
From her perspective, she could not fathom how what she had been told could be possible.
When the angel reminded her that “with God nothing shall be impossible”, she submitted humbly, saying,
” . . .be it unto me according to thy word.”1

My grandson, Jefferson, loves to buckle the strap on his booster seat. As soon as he is lifted into the chair, he wants to buckle the strap. The moment he is lifted down after a meal, he immediately turns and re-buckles the strap. No one ever taught him to do it – it is a self-appointed duty that he has performed since he was first able to, and one he will not forbear.
One day Jeff had climbed up into his booster seat in anticipation of dinner and was trying to buckle the strap, but to no avail. He could not do it. He tried and tried, becoming more and more agitated as he tried. His father, seeing the problem, walked over, put his hands under Jeff’s arms and began to lift.
“NO, NO, NO!” cried Jeff. From his perspective, his father was preventing him from accomplishing what he most wanted to do.
Actually, his father was only lifting Jefferson to re-position him. Jeff hadn’t scooted back far enough in his chair, and so the straps could not possibly reach around him to be buckled. “I’m helping you, Jefferson,” his father had said. And what his father did assured Jefferson’s success.

Watching this, I thought, How many times have I cried out, “NO!” when my Heavenly Father has only been re-positioning me to assure my success?
Could it be that sometimes when things do not go as we would want, One who sees from a higher perspective, and who knows our potential, could actually be using our circumstances to help us become who He knows we can become? And could it be that He is in essence saying, as C.S. Lewis suggested, “Peace, child; you don’t understand”? 2

Many times in the last few years I have felt like crying out, “NO!” I don’t want to have to make changes! It is frightening to do new things and accept new challenges. However, looking back and seeing where those changes have brought me, I see God’s hand in my life, helping me to stretch and grow.
Maybe someday I’ll get to the point where, when I feel His loving hands under my arms beginning to lift, I’ll look up with complete trust and say, “Thank You. Do whatever You need to do.”

Like Mary. “Be it unto me according to thy word.”
In faith and trust,

Roslyn

1 Luke 1:34-38
2 C.S. Lewis A Grief Observed p.69

Ask for Miracles!

Sunday, October 12th, 2008 | Uncategorized | No Comments

A father came to the Savior, carrying his afflicted son, asking for healing. The Savior looked into the man’s eyes and said, “If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.” The father said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.”
The father needed a miracle. He knew Christ could perform the miracle, and stated so: “Lord, I believe,” but then acknowledged that his belief might not be sufficient: “…help thou mine unbelief.”
We all need miracles! Life is a test—and tests are hard. When we have experienced deep loss, it takes miracles to heal and to move on. When it seems we cannot go on or that it is too hard, we can ask, as did the father in the story, “help thou mine unbelief.”
In the scriptures we read of a time that the Savior could not show miracles to a group of people, “…because of their unbelief.” We must build our belief so that God can do miracles in our lives.
I believe He is already performing miracles in our behalf, and we are perhaps not recognizing them because we are so focused on our own pain, our loss, and what we don’t have. When we are thus consumed, we miss seeing His hand in our lives.
Two things that have helped me in my quest for increased faith are:
1) Watching for and recording instances where I see God working in my life. Henry B. Eyring recommended that we ask each evening, “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As we look for evidence that He is there, we will see He is working in our lives, and as we keep a record of His blessings, we build our faith and belief.
2) Ask! The scriptures teach us, “Ask, and it shall be given you; . . . For every one that asketh receiveth . . .” Do we sometimes miss receiving a blessing because we neglected to ask? The Lord made it even more than an invitation: “ . . . ye are commanded in all things to ask of God . .” In asking, we are keeping a commandment, and showing faith that He hears and answers!
The more often I ask, the more frequently I see evidences of God’s love for me. May you experience the same, and may you find joy in watching Him work miracles in your life!

In love,

Roslyn

Guard Your Hope

Sunday, October 12th, 2008 | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

“I find I have to ever guard my hope.”

‘Tis a gift to be simple…

Sunday, October 12th, 2008 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Sometimes it is the simple things that make the most profound difference in our lives. A smile from a loved one, a love note tucked in a lunch box, a touch on the shoulder to let us know we are valued—all simple things that send a vital message.
As I learned first-hand about grief, I found that it was simple things that made a big difference in my ability to get through each day. Some of those things were:
*Consistent daily study in my core book
*Fervent prayer, followed by a moment of silence to listen for guidance
*Allowing myself the needed rest. Grieving is a physical drain on the body. It’s not lazy to get the rest we need!
*Regular physical exercise. Even a 15-minute walk around the block does wonders for a ‘blue’ day.

Know that things do get better! Live in that hope, and do these simple things each day and I promise there will come a day when you will lie down in bed and it will hit you: “I didn’t cry today!” And it will be a good feeling.

With hope for your healing,
Roslyn