RoslynReynolds.com

Grieving on Memorial Day

Friday, May 28th, 2010 | Death of a loved one, Family, Friends, Grieving, Grieving during the Holidays, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a Spouse, Losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Loss of a loved one, Personal Care while Grieving, Service, The Healing Power of Service, Uncategorized | No Comments

Memorial Day Weekend. When we hear those words, we often think of a time to honor those who have given their lives in the service of our country. Those words also often conjure up images of picnics, campouts, gatherings with friends, and lots of food and fun.

Other pictures comes to mind, however: a woman, weeping as she kneels with a handful of flowers at the fresh grave of her husband; a man at the cemetery, standing by the marker bearing his wife’s name and wondering how he can go on. To these people, Memorial Day has a very different meaning.

This Memorial Day, are you (or is someone you know) grieving the loss of a loved one who is no longer with you? Are you still at the stage of grief where your emotions are unpredictable, you live with a perpetual ache in your heart, and you never know when the tears will suddenly surface again?

Memorial Day can be a hard day for those who’ve experienced loss. But there are things you can do to help make it through this weekend – and that will help you move on with life. Here are five tips to begin with:

First, grieve. Grieving is painful, unpredictable, and it can be a long process. No wonder people want to avoid it. However, grieving is part of the healing process, and if we refuse to work through our grief, we will never heal completely.
Allow yourself to grieve. Find a place where you can let the tears flow and the racking sobs descend. You will find that as you do, there is a cleansing and a renewal that takes their place.
Author Deanna Edwards tells of the young child who said about grief, “Tears are what God gave us to let the hurt out.” Admit that the void in your life hurts, and that it’s okay to hurt. As a wise man once said there would be something wrong if we didn’t hurt when a loved one dies. Take the time to grieve, and eventually, if you embrace the grieving process, it will bring renewal and peace.

Second, reach out and find a friend. Find someone you can talk to, who understands what you’re going through, and talk. Share your sorrows; share what helps you each get through hard times, and you’ll both come away stronger. Sometimes the very best gift we can be given when we are mourning is a listening ear, and understanding without judgment.

Third, write! Take out a pen and paper, find a quiet spot where you can be uninterrupted, and remember. Record the good things that came from your relationship with that loved one. Write what you appreciated about them. Write about some of your favorite memories with them. One day these memories will not be so fresh, and you will be grateful that you took the time now to create something you can look back on and find joy in remembering.

Fourth, get moving! When we are grieving, often the most appealing activity is no activity at all. It is so tempting to crawl into bed, pull the covers over one’s head, and retreat. But grieving is not just emotional work. It involves the whole body, and exercise helps move the process along more quickly. Walk, run, garden, get out the yoga CD and follow along – just do something to move your body and get the endorphins flowing. Movement will help banish the blues and help you to look at life from a much more positive perspective.

Finally, serve someone in memory of your loved one. Even if it is a very small thing, find something you can do for someone else to lift their burden. The old adage “It is better to give than to receive” is true – and how better to honor the memory of the one you loved than to do a kind deed in their memory. Einstein said, “The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and learned how to give.” Many people have found that looking outside their own troubles, if only for a few minutes, and finding a way to give to someone else, truly has brought them comfort and happiness.

Make this Memorial Day memorable, by grieving when you need to; finding a friend to confide in; writing about your loved one; moving; and serving. As you do, you will find you make cherished memories yourself, and you will be further along on the path to healing, wholeness, and peace.

Tags: Death of a loved one, Family, Grieving, healing from gri, hope, losing a loved one, Losing a parent, Losing a Spouse, loss of a loved one, The Healing Power of Service

Singing in the Shower

Sunday, February 28th, 2010 | Books on grief, Death of a loved one, Grieving, Healing after Loss, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, Losing a Spouse, The healing power of Faith in Christ | No Comments

It hit me the other morning as I coaxed the last tiny bit of conditioner out of the bottle in the shower: I was singing!

I used to sing in the shower all the time, years ago. I think it was always an unconscious, spontaneous reaction to joy deep in my heart. I would often find myself singing without even thinking about it.

But then when the hard times came more often and lasted longer, and my heart grew heavy, I couldn’t do it as often. The songs just died on my lips – if they ever got that far.

Then since Marty died, I don’t know that I’ve done it at all.

I never thought about it, though. It’s not like even once the thought crossed my mind, “You don’t sing in the shower anymore.” It was simply no longer part of my life.

But there I was this morning, singing, and I recognized it as a happy song from my youth, bubbling up from somewhere deep inside where it’s been hidden for a long time.

I was taken aback. I had thought I was healing well, months ago. Yet here was evidence that there had still been healing that needed to happen before my heart was free to invite those cheerful lyrics and winsome melodies back, and to let them spill forth without any conscious effort.

Is there more healing yet to come? Doubtless. Not only from the death of my spouse, and not only from the years of difficulty that preceded that event. I have yet to heal from random wounds that I’ve covered over, hoping they’ll be forgotten. I need to heal from wrongs I’ve done for which I cannot forgive myself.

I have found that healing comes best and most thoroughly when I draw near to the Great Healer, Christ, and ask for His help.

As I study His word, make changes in my life to be more in line with His principles, and try harder to follow His example, I feel His forgiveness and His acceptance of my weak offering. Each time I make even a little progress, my heart is lighter, I feel closer to Him, and I feel a deeper joy growing in my heart.

Wherever you are in your healing process, I invite you to join me in seeking Him, the one True Healer. I know doing so will bless your life.

And who knows, maybe one day you’ll find yourself …

singing in the shower!

To Your Healing,

Roslyn

(For ideas on accelerating your healing, see pages 37-117 in my book, SOLO – Getting It All Together When You Find Yourself Alone.)

Tags: healing from gri, Healing from grief, Help for Widows, losing a loved one, Losing a Spouse